A fear of remembering

As I shared in my last post, I've been doing online AA meetings. I listen while I ride my stationary bike, and actually, it's become a bit of a routine that I am enjoying.

I've attended several meetings now, and in every meeting it seems, people share that part of what keeps them sober is continually hearing others' stories of the troubles and traumas from their own problematic drinking. That these stories keep reminding them of just how bad drinking was in their lives, so that they don't forget the pain and fool themselves into thinking that maybe they could return to drinking, that they could control it this time.

I completely understand that desire to not forget. I, too, feel that fear of forgetting, of rationalizing or justifying that first drink. Many times in my past, that fear wasn't enough to win that internal battle of should I or shouldn't I?

I've been experiencing a lot of fear lately. I am afraid.

In my Y12SR class I shared this as a topic for our meeting. My fear of bringing my old baggage, which includes guilt and shame, into my future and specifically, into whatever new job I secure. My fear of relying on old coping mechanisms, the numbing through alcohol, even as I try to move forward. My fear that those old tapes of my unworthiness, or un-deservedness, will play on. This fear weighs heavy. And at moments, it really paralyzes. In fact, what I had thought was procrastination these past couple of weeks I now realize is really fear of the future paralyzing me in the present.

Fear has a past, present, and future.

Fear of my past. To me, this ties with the fear of forgetting. My past cannot be changed... what happened, happened. But as I was reminded, I do not have to look upon it with fear, I can choose to look upon it with grace and compassion and the knowledge that for the most part, I did the best I could with what I had or knew at the time. In a very real sense, I did not know any better. I realize that may be hard for people who do not struggle with substance misuse challenges to understand... Or with mental health challenges. But for those of us who do struggle with these things, when we are actively stuck in their depths, we are not operating from a higher consciousness.... we are not fully utilizing our cognitive capacity, our executive functioning capacity (which is responsible for goal-directed behaviors, btw). We are in survival mode. It's not a pleasant place to be. But I also know that I am not that girl anymore. I have grown and changed and adapted. And yes, failed. But I am different today.

The "future" orientation of my fear... well, that cannot be known to me. That is where the paralysis comes from. This is when I need to remember my faith and my trust in God. Even if I cannot feel faith and trust in myself in any one particular moment, especially when the fear is too overwhelming, I can feel them for Him, because I have absolutely seen Him at work in my life before. I can feel faith and trust in my family and support system that have been walking this path with me. And remembering these things always brings gratitude.

And that leaves me with the "present" of fear. But now, it's a bit more manageable, I can more easily identify what the fear actually is. There are choices I can make today, now, this very moment, to address or ease the fear. The choices may not always be the same, from moment to moment. These past few weeks, they've ranged from joining an online meeting, heading home to be with family, going for a walk outside, to submitting job applications and signing up for food stamps (just in case!).

Most important for me is while I understand that fear of forgetting, I also don't want to get stuck here... I don't want to live in this space. At times, it seems that is what the AA program is asking me to do. I know that as sobriety lengthens, the internal pain associated with drinking will dim... But does that necessarily mean that a desire to drink will resume?

Today, I can't know the answer to that question. So maybe instead of viewing it as remembering out of fear, maybe it can be about gratitude, and compassion. To pivot from guilt and shame. My history with alcohol will always be part of my story, but I get to choose how to interpret that story, and today, I choose to not be afraid.

Desperate times....

It has been too long since a blog post... In this rather drastic life transition I am currently going through, these last two weeks in particular I have been consumed by guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

They hit me over the Thanksgiving holiday, and hit me hard. For me, the holidays typically don't trigger a desire to drink, even though alcohol is definitely present at my family gatherings. But this Thanksgiving was different, because my situation was different. I have an amazing family, and they are very supportive, my biggest champions. But as I explained my job situation, over and over, the "pink cloud" feeling of being free of my toxic previous employment situation started to dissipate. As I looked around at my successful family members, my cousins close to my age who had families of their own, and appeared to be winning at life, embarrassment began to take hold. And then shame. There I was, 35, with no job, no man, no closer to a family of my own...

How did I get here? How did this become my life?

But I do know the answers to those questions. While some of it was/is out of my control, the pieces that were in my control too often root back to alcohol and the consequences of using alcohol as a coping mechanism. And therein lie the guilt and shame.

Suffice it say, I knew I needed more help. I needed to reach out and connect with a sobriety support system much more intentionally than I was. I had my Y12SR group that I've been attending more regularly, and doing my readings and exercises and podcasts. But desperate times....

So I have started attending online AA meetings again. As I've said, I'm not necessarily a fan of AA, but I will use whatever resources are available. Because I want to move out of this life transition period, and I know that the only way to do so successfully is to really work recovery. Every day. Every hour. Every moment.

It's not been a perfect process, especially that week following Thanksgiving when reality just really f*ing sucked.

But it doesn't have to be. All that matters at the end of each day is that I've been working my recovery program. I have been showing up for myself, and this past week in particular, showing up with gratitude and compassion. For today, that's enough.