Leveraging your strengths in recovery

At work, we recently completed the CliftonStrengths Assessment. I *love* a good skills assessment, so I was really excited about this. We have been trying to go through some emotional healing and team-building as an organization of late, and in my opinion, it's not really been working as evidenced by continued low morale and territorial behavior. (In our defense, that's what happens when you are, as an organization, leaderless and rudderless for 2+ years.... It has been a very stressful, even toxic, situation for me for sure....that I am still trying to manage my way through. I digress).

Well, the Strengths exercise may have fallen a bit flat at work, but it's certainly clarifying my recovery process for me. My 5 Signature Strengths are Discipline, Intellection, Empathy, Input, and Learner. Re-reading the descriptions of these themes with a recovery lens, I can see why I enjoy and need certain activities of recovery (and why perhaps a traditional 12-step program has not worked, on its own, for me).

The Big 3 that are resonating most with me at this moment are all related to learning. To mental processing, exercising the muscles of my brain. I like to think deep, and think often, with a desire to improve myself and/or know myself better. And to not only process what I learn, but to share it with others. I do this in my work. And now I am doing this in my recovery. This is why the thought of doing a blog on sobriety, which occurred to me one evening last fall as I was walking through a favorite park (one of my favorite ways to process, btw), kept coming back to me. It not only is an outlet for me to process information and gain clarity, but it's also an archive of my experience (people with Input as a theme like to collect "things" and archive). These strengths are why I am constantly searching out books and podcasts and other blogs on sobriety and recovery. It's why my therapist once told me that for me, sobriety may be more of an intellectual exercise-- it has to "make sense"; I need to understand it on an intellectual level, not just an emotional level. And it may explain why parts of me are in fact so resistant to 12-step programs that ask me to accept powerlessness (I still struggle with this notion, and yes, I've been reading up on this, and trying to think through what this actually "means" for me.)

It also explains why recovery feels exciting to me, beyond the obvious benefits of being alcohol free. If we allow it to be, recovery can be a process of never-ending learning and discovery. And that resonates deeply for me.

Recovering from Recovery? Yes, it's a thing...

I'm approaching 2 months of a renewed focus on sobriety and recovery. It feels both like that time has passed quickly, and like that's a big number: 60 days. On the whole, it has been a great rediscovery of the joys of sobriety. And, along the way, as I've mentioned before, I've experienced second comings of old "Aha!" moments, those lessons and insights from my recovery journey 1.0.

For example, recently, there were two weekends in a row I felt so off. Actually, I felt hungover, but without the alcohol. Which was a surreal experience in itself. I did the same things I described in a previous post of hunkering down on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and food, taking hours-long naps. Alone. I had no energy, and no idea why I felt the way I did, especially when the weekdays preceding these weekends were great! One week even included a working vacation to Pittsburgh with my boyfriend! So why so lackluster?

It wasn't until a conversation with my boyfriend that I understood the why. He was beginning to feel hurt that I was shutting myself up in my apartment, alone. I am an introvert, and naturally need some alone time to decompress and restore myself, but we both could sense that this was not what was going on. And as we were talking, I started sharing how it takes time to adapt to changes in routine, even when they are positive changes leading to healthier routines. It's still a change in how I am moving through my day and my world. Small wonder then that there were days I just felt exhausted.

These changes are happening on every level-- physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It is a lot to process! At times, it even feels like sensory overload. Because I am much more present and attuned to what is going on around me and within me. I am engaged, fully, even in moments or situations I don't necessarily wish I was engaged with! And for those of us who have used substances to alter the reality we engage with--either to escape or to enhance it--this new awareness can at times overwhelm.

For example, I have been more physically active, literally covering more ground, these last couple months than I had in the several months preceding, likely even year! I have added 30 minutes of walking breaks into every work day (or as close to that as I can manage). These breaks are in addition to focused exercise I do 4-5 days a week of at least 40 minutes (which includes two new 60- minute exercise classes I enrolled in). I have traveled to Dayton several times these last two months, visiting my sweet nieces, spent almost a week in Pittsburgh at a conference for work, made a day trip to Cleveland... and more.

Hello Pittsburgh! Hello Cleveland!

So yes. I shut down two weekends. And while it did not feel good in those moments, and it was very confusing at the time, I understand why now. Adjusting to this new routine can and will exhaust me. I also know that this period of adjustment will give way to normalcy. Now that I am newly aware of this fact, I can make choices for recovering in my recovery that will really soothe me, instead of "numbing out" through bingeing on food and tv. I can be patient and kind with myself.

Amending...

I don't follow a 12-step program. I've been to AA meetings, several in fact, and I have received some benefit from going to them. But AA never resonated with me, for many reasons, and maybe I'll lay those out in anther post....

But one thing has been swirling around in my mind lately... this idea of "amends". This is a critical step in 12-step programs. And I get it. There are many, many things I regret--behaviors, decisions, and so on-- that I most definitely would not have done, or not in the same manner or to the same degree, sober. And these regretted behaviors or decisions absolutely hurt people I love (at worst, and often deeply) or inconvenienced others (at best), and there's a full spectrum in between.

But in this time, I am feeling a need for balance. Because I am wondering why it is society and/or recovery programs expect so much more of people in recovery (addicts, if we must label) than we do of folks just in general it seems. AA demands 100% adherence to its code of conduct; if you have a relapse you start all over. Recovery success is measured by 100% abstinence. A recent This Naked Mind podcast with guest Dr. Adi Jaffe  illuminates the absurdity--and the danger--of this all-or-nothing measure of success for recovery.

These are really high expectations that we don't hold in other areas of our life or with other people, or in other lifestyle or behavioral changes we undertake (usually.... and I'd suggest that if we are attaching such strict measures to other behavioral changes, that may be a concern in itself).

But what about the reverse? Why don't those of us working recovery ask for amends from others? Dr. Gabor Mate, addiction expert, asks us not what is the addiction, but what is the pain? Meaning, there is an initial wound that our troubled coping mechanisms (i.e. addictions) are seeking to soothe or resolve. When did our wound start? Who wounded us? And can we forgive them, and forgive ourselves, and move on?

Some may read this and think I am being petulant, or trying to make rationalizations or excuses or accuse me of being unwilling to really work recovery. That's not what this is. This is, I think, me trying to balance the scales. Because for those of us who have been willing to seek new ways of coping with life and engage a path of self discovery (i.e. recovery), that would suggest that we have (at least internally) acknowledged that we made mistakes, maybe even grievous ones, and are scaling those mountains of shame and guilt. Do we really need to itemize the list? That list, by the way, has likely been running in our minds for as long as we have been engaged in the problematic behaviors. We are unrelentingly hard on ourselves. Some programs, maybe even some people in our lives, ask us to keep going back through that list of regrets and shame, cycling through our character defects, to keep apologizing... It sounds horrible! And it feels pretty bad, speaking as someone who carries such lists in her head, and on paper, and yes, has even actually done the amends thing.

I much prefer the approach outlined in 30 Days, the "Total Truth Process" (TTP) (originally developed by John Gray and Barbara DeAngelis). For me, this recognizes that there was likely more than just me involved in a situation: that I was responding to someone and/or something. TTP is both seeking and granting forgiveness. And this feels more authentic to me, more balanced. 30 Days recommends doing this process with yourself, your parents/guardians, and anyone else you may be harboring resentment towards (and I would add, guilt about). The 6 steps of the Total Truth Process are as follows:

1. Acknowledge your anger/resentment (I'm angry that.... I resent....)
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it caused (It hurt me when.... I felt sad/disappointed when...)
3. Acknowledge the fears and self doubts it created (I was afraid that... I was scared when....)
4. Own any part that you may have played in letting it occur/continue (I'm sorry that... Please forgive me for.... I didn't mean to....)
5. Express what you wanted that you didn't get and/or what you want/need now (All i ever wanted... I deserve... I want you to....)
6. Understand where the other person was/is coming from and forgive them (I understand that.... I forgive  you for...Thank you for.....)

(Note that Step 4 above sounds a lot like Steps 8 & 9 in AA-- 8. Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. But I like that the Total Truth Process does not stop there.)

Now obviously, this process may not apply in every situation (and most particularly, may not be relevant or even advisable or safe for those who have experienced deeply traumatic events... I have met many women who have shared such stories with me....they were victimized. In some cases brutally so. And repeatedly. And they will likely never receive their amends. And frankly, I have seen 12 step programs--or those who would use these programs to pass judgement-- re-traumatize these women. But again, a post for another time). And sometimes, even oftentimes, alcohol just made me an ass, unprovoked, and there was no inciting situation or person. But for those bigger amends, where the wound involves family, friends, intimate partners, even colleagues, this balanced approach is more empowering for me, more authentic.

And really, isn't this how conflict resolution in life should go? In all our relationships? Whether recovery-focused or not? How many of us actually practice forgiveness, both granting and seeking, in our lives? If we did, wouldn't we be healthier? More tolerant? More gracious and humble? These are big questions, I know.... And I risk digressing. But it just affirms what I have witnessed, in my relatively short journey of recovery-- the people doing the real work are the people society at large is so quick to judge and label as sick and diseased... Yet these are the people who are unlocking the secrets to a balanced, thriving life. Imperfectly, perhaps. But ever striving.

Love Your Addiction, Love Yourself

Practicing Radical Self-love

"Love your addiction, love yourself." When I first read these words, they stunned me. It was a complete paradigm shift. Away from guilt and shame and pain, and towards love and forgiveness and well-being. These words were the sub-heading in one of my favorite recovery books, 30 Day Sobriety Solution, part of Day 4: The Forgiveness Solution (for me, this solution alone is worth buying the book!). I have said it elsewhere, and I will say it here, because I fundamentally believe it to be true: people in recovery (whether sustained or cyclical) are some of the most empathetic, strongest, and bravest people I have ever met. Many have endured hundreds of indignities--big and small-- while using and yes, perhaps even in going through a recovery process, especially if this process involved the criminal justice system. Some have hit a hard rock bottom, and too many have said goodbye forever to loved ones who couldn't find another path. I have said such a goodbye. And but for addiction and our triumphs over struggle, would this be true to the same extent? I have a hard time believing it would. Love your addiction....

I had my first drink when I was a sophomore (maybe that summer before?) in high school, and within the span of a few short years, I'd say on balance, I was drinking more to relieve pain than to gain pleasure. In fact, as the authors describe in 30 Days, the desire to drink is understandable, even on the face of it, perhaps reasonable, derived from a positive intention to feel good (even though as Alan Carr and Annie Grace and others correctly point out the notion that drinking = pleasure is formed by social conditioning and marketing... nonetheless). I'd also say that early in my drinking "career" I started to feel uneasy about it, questioning it, realizing that the promises and benefits about drinking and alcohol never really seemed to materialize...  But with the questioning there also presented no plausible alternatives. By this I mean, if you thought you had a drinking problem and you admitted such, you'd be labeled an alcoholic, and the stigma with that label is deep and vastly unappealing. As an undergraduate student, when I first really started thinking I should cut back, I was still trying to form my identity on my terms. I was insecure, internally I felt shy and awkward, still struggling with resentments and old hurts. Taking on the identity of an "alcoholic" was not an option. So I continued on a path that included drinking.

That path resulted in a lot of missed opportunities. Broken promises, to myself and others. And many consequences. Many, many times I have wondered what I could have achieved if alcohol had not been so steadfastly present in my life. And every single instant of these negative consequences and doubts and insecurities constituted another layer of guilt and shame. I wish someone had said to me back then what Kristen Johnston shared, "I speak to many addicts all the time, and what I probably tell them most often is: it's not your fault. I know it feels like your fault. I know everyone tells you it's your fault. I know everyone's hurt and angry with you. I know you've done bad things. But the only thing in your control is seeking help to stop." 

I have to constantly remind myself that in spite of all this, I have achieved great things. Experienced great moments. Been to great places. Have (or had) great people in my life. Recently, my boyfriend said something to me along the lines of "this is the person I am so happy to see, all these things you are doing, accomplishing..." and I did--and do--appreciate what he was saying. He's my champion. And that means so much. But I also realized that "this person" is not some newly materialized being. I have always been me. The potential has always been there. I am more than one self, right?

In recovery, as in life, understanding and "right-sizing" or resolving guilt and shame are so critically important for self- love, first, but also for other-love.

But for now, for here, it's about accepting my past, fully.
And loving myself-- myselves-- unconditionally.
And forgiving myself, finally.
It has to start there.

But first, sobriety

Tracking what counts

I've been re-reading books that helped me with my first extended experience of sobriety, and diaries from that time. One of these is Jack Canfield's and Dave Andrew's book, The 30-Day Sobriety Solution. It's a 30-day action plan for achieving sobriety or at least, changing your relationship with alcohol. Each day there are action steps to complete (and honestly, these are good life action steps, not just relevant to recovery from a substance!). I'm re-doing these (though not every day as recommended, admittedly). Previously, I had read to Day 17.

One of my go-to books

It's reminding me that in this moment in time, I have to keep sobriety my priority. And this can be hard to do. Because as I gain more days sober, and my energy levels pick up and I experience natural highs (without the devastating lows of problematic drinking!), I feel so MOTIVATED. (For me, this can also translate to impatience....something else I will be working on managing!) I am not only feeling motivated and energized, but I actually also believe that I can achieve these other goals! Such as a new job, weight loss, starting a blog... And it has been awhile since my confidence levels were so good, for such a sustained period of time.

Let's take weight loss. I joined Weight Watchers in May ahead of an all-expense paid vacation to Miami Beach with my sister in early June (thank you Johnson & Johnson!). When the vacation time came around, I had abstained from alcohol for almost 3 weeks, and so I was feeling physically OK, though not as good as I had hoped. And boy was I unrelenting (in my head, of course)-- beating myself up about not losing the 5-7 pounds I had wanted to (such a small goal!) and remembering how I had looked, in my previous recovery. In 2017, when I had a lot of sobriety under my belt, I had lost about 30 pounds. I looked great. It was so amazing to just step into my closet and put on whatever I wanted because the clothes all fit! It was like I had gone on some shopping spree because I had been able to wear clothes I hadn't been able to for over a year. But as I gradually re-introduced alcohol into my life, which unsurprisingly coincided with more depression/anxiety (i.e. less motivation), I gained it back. And that felt so terrible. Not just physically painful, but emotionally. It was really hard to look at pictures of me in those days... because they brought a lot of embarrassment and shame.

[Side note: I've also started reading Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking, what author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema refers to as a toxic triangle women can find themselves in. I can totally relate. I'll review when finished.]

Happiness on a plate. Pancakes @ Pam's Diner
Pittsburgh PA October 2018

Well, it doesn't make much sense to pay for a weight loss program and to keep drinking. Even in very moderate amounts. How many happy hours extend into dinner and unhealthy food choices? (Or, no food, just more alcohol!) So now I've given up the booze, and I'm still counting my points. But I'm not allowing myself to obsess with the points as I had been even a few weeks ago because I no longer have to balance out the effects of alcohol and missed exercising or poor food choices.

Now, I generally stay within my points every day. But I allow myself a treat and don't sweat it (hell, I might not even log it! Scandalous, I know. I also haven't weighed myself since I re-started. I'm just going by how I feel. This is also part of keeping sobriety first.). Because it's still a better choice than alcohol. And I also know that, just as before, the longer I go without alcohol, the healthier my body becomes. And that will translate into weight loss. Not just because I'm no longer ingesting copious amounts of calories and sugar, but because I have the energy to exercise. I have the confidence to try new classes. Even better, if I just need a day to veg, I don't feel guilty! I can "afford" an "off" day. (And really, my goal is to move away from that type of thinking entirely, but one thing at a time!)

And all of this just makes sobriety feel good. I. Feel. Good. Even when I feel bad! Or lazy. Or whatever! So, sobriety first, yes. But it's also amazing all the things that will naturally flow from that one healthy choice that you won't even really have to think about, let alone stress about.

Getting to 30: Week Four

At last, Week Four. It starts out pretty much the same as last week. I'm tracking my points. Doing my recovery readings or podcasts. Getting in my exercise and meeting my daily steps goals. I've hit my rhythm and it feels good.

Day 29: brother and I go to a "Loud n Proud" Launch party at Columbus Museum of Art, where we are given 2 drink tickets immediately. Now here, it really does look like everyone has a drink in their hand! And a very tiny part of me is like "Damn, no wine for me... and it's free!" Though I know I am not going to give in. Partly because I am with my brother and he knows what I am doing with sobriety and I could not disappoint him or myself. But I also marvel that I do not have the same type of craving that hit me the previous week. Which is odd. Because this is definitely the type of event where I would have loved a glass of wine, feeling so sophisticated... It is a crisp fall evening, the museum is open after-hours, folks are dressed up a bit, servers mingle with yummy appetizers. So Brother and I walk around, catching bits of conversation, watching artists paint real time. We run into his colleague and chat for a bit. And I leave after an hour... I've seen all there is to see--it's really just people drinking and  mingling. And I realize that I've had my fill. Time to carry on with my evening.

Day 30: I get my 1 month notice on my Sober app. And even though I know I am at day 30, to receive that notification really moves me in a way I am not expecting. I did it-- a full 30 days without a single drop. It has been a while since that happened, likely last Fall if I am remembering correctly. And I consider the Saturday I have planned out for myself: a hair appointment, a manicure, and a little shopping for a conference I'm attending in Pittsburgh next week. What a wonderful way to celebrate--a day full of self-care and pampering. I get to the store and fit into a smaller size dress and shirt than the last time I went shopping--a lot can change in 30 days. I head on to the nail salon, where I am offered free wine... <sigh>. Twice this week I have been presented with free alcohol, which admittedly has been frustrating: free booze thrown at me two days in a row--what's this about?!

Eckhart Tolle says the universe will give us whatever experience we need to help the evolution of our consciousness; how do we know this is the experience we need? Because this is the one we are having. So I think OK, I hear ya: it's just another opportunity to flex my resolve. To practice making that conscious choice to move towards health and wellness. And I seriously consider a glass of wine, but not consider in the sense of actually having a drink, but in the sense of, "wow, would I really want to be "that girl" drinking mid-afternoon at a nail salon where I am clearly alone?" And I know that others would have accepted the offer and it would seem like a completely natural response. But for me, the gig is up. I've heard it said ignorance is bliss only if there are no solutions or alternatives, and I think it applies in this situation. When it comes to alcohol, there is no more ignorance.

One last gift to me: flowers. Hello again, 30 Days.