Getting to 30, Week One

A diary of my first 30 sober days...

Day 1-3: The hangover. For me, these last 3 days....and I know I will feel like shit mentally and emotionally moreso than physically. Basically, I just shut down. I have no energy. It all sucks.

Day 1 falls on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend... I made such big plans for this weekend with my boyfriend... On this latest drinking episode, I have wasted so much time and energy and money. Money spent on Uber, drinks, food, etc.: $120 

And those Big Plans I had made with my boyfriend for the holiday weekend?

I did not make the final performance of Rhythm on the River Friday eve, which was BalletMet.

I did not make my favorite farmer's market Saturday morning, or my yoga class. 

I did not make church or the Sunday evening Shadowbox Live performance at the Columbus Commons, which was a tribute to Prince and David Bowie.

I did not make a bike ride Monday, or visit home and see my newborn twin nieces, loves of my life. 

That's quite a long list of disappointment....

So, what do I do that weekend? Hide inside. I finally allow my boyfriend to come over, and we Netflix and chill. All weekend. Because I literally cannot muster the energy or will to leave my apartment. I vaguely consider that maybe I need to speak with my doc about dosage of my anxiety & depression meds, but I know the issue isn't with them. It's the alcohol that is in process of being purged from my body, and it can't happen fast enough. This process can actually take days, though. And don't I know that!

So what am I feeling? Emotionally: frustration, anxiety and sadness levels are very high. Physically: bloating, fatigue, lack of appetite, warm bordering on sweaty at times, with aches in my legs from lying on the couch for long periods of time. Because I sleep so much during these first days, I need sleeping pills at night to quiet my mind and soothe my aching legs.

I use the "I Am Sober" app to track

Day 4: I can tell the corner is approaching, that razor sharp corner between feeling slightly hungover and feeling sober. I start my day listening to my latest Audible recovery book: Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol. I usually listen to this every workday morning, while doing my hair. I get to work on time, though mentally fuzzy. Still taking sleeping pills at night. I hate how my clothes fit and I still feel super bloated and gross. But I also feel resolved. And I do hop on the stationary bike for 90 minutes that evening. My amends to my body for three full days of sloth. 

Day 5: First day of Spinning class for Fall session. Still feeling heavy but I sweat out the anxiety. Finally naturally tired in the evening, though I still take sleeping pills.

Day 6: I surprise my boyfriend with dinner and a movie. It is my small apology for keeping us cooped up in my apartment all holiday weekend. We go to Gateway Film Center, my favorite movie theater. The ticket taker tells us of a new event they're starting for 21+, where they bring the bar into the house theater, and he's the bar tender: we should totally check it out. A strong feeling of disappointment registers. Not because I "can't" go to this "new, hip event." But because once again, alcohol has hijacked an activity and space where it just has no business being.

It's already feeling like a long week, and we are both tired, but we have a great time. And I remember how sobriety makes space for generosity and grace.

Day 8: Drive to Dayton, my home, with my brother. Go to church, and am deeply moved by sermon (What is it you are listening for?) Hold my nieces. It's a good sober start to my weekend and I am grateful.

By the end of Week One, the mental fuzziness is just about gone. I clean, organize, exercise, and eat more balanced meals. I still feel bloated, but I know this feeling will fade, AS LONG AS I DON'T DRINK. And I don't.