As I shared in my last post, I've been doing online AA meetings. I listen while I ride my stationary bike, and actually, it's become a bit of a routine that I am enjoying.
I've attended several meetings now, and in every meeting it seems, people share that part of what keeps them sober is continually hearing others' stories of the troubles and traumas from their own problematic drinking. That these stories keep reminding them of just how bad drinking was in their lives, so that they don't forget the pain and fool themselves into thinking that maybe they could return to drinking, that they could control it this time.
I completely understand that desire to not forget. I, too, feel that fear of forgetting, of rationalizing or justifying that first drink. Many times in my past, that fear wasn't enough to win that internal battle of should I or shouldn't I?
I've been experiencing a lot of fear lately. I am afraid.
In my Y12SR class I shared this as a topic for our meeting. My fear of bringing my old baggage, which includes guilt and shame, into my future and specifically, into whatever new job I secure. My fear of relying on old coping mechanisms, the numbing through alcohol, even as I try to move forward. My fear that those old tapes of my unworthiness, or un-deservedness, will play on. This fear weighs heavy. And at moments, it really paralyzes. In fact, what I had thought was procrastination these past couple of weeks I now realize is really fear of the future paralyzing me in the present.
Fear has a past, present, and future.
Fear of my past. To me, this ties with the fear of forgetting. My past cannot be changed... what happened, happened. But as I was reminded, I do not have to look upon it with fear, I can choose to look upon it with grace and compassion and the knowledge that for the most part, I did the best I could with what I had or knew at the time. In a very real sense, I did not know any better. I realize that may be hard for people who do not struggle with substance misuse challenges to understand... Or with mental health challenges. But for those of us who do struggle with these things, when we are actively stuck in their depths, we are not operating from a higher consciousness.... we are not fully utilizing our cognitive capacity, our executive functioning capacity (which is responsible for goal-directed behaviors, btw). We are in survival mode. It's not a pleasant place to be. But I also know that I am not that girl anymore. I have grown and changed and adapted. And yes, failed. But I am different today.
The "future" orientation of my fear... well, that cannot be known to me. That is where the paralysis comes from. This is when I need to remember my faith and my trust in God. Even if I cannot feel faith and trust in myself in any one particular moment, especially when the fear is too overwhelming, I can feel them for Him, because I have absolutely seen Him at work in my life before. I can feel faith and trust in my family and support system that have been walking this path with me. And remembering these things always brings gratitude.
And that leaves me with the "present" of fear. But now, it's a bit more manageable, I can more easily identify what the fear actually is. There are choices I can make today, now, this very moment, to address or ease the fear. The choices may not always be the same, from moment to moment. These past few weeks, they've ranged from joining an online meeting, heading home to be with family, going for a walk outside, to submitting job applications and signing up for food stamps (just in case!).
Most important for me is while I understand that fear of forgetting, I also don't want to get stuck here... I don't want to live in this space. At times, it seems that is what the AA program is asking me to do. I know that as sobriety lengthens, the internal pain associated with drinking will dim... But does that necessarily mean that a desire to drink will resume?
Today, I can't know the answer to that question. So maybe instead of viewing it as remembering out of fear, maybe it can be about gratitude, and compassion. To pivot from guilt and shame. My history with alcohol will always be part of my story, but I get to choose how to interpret that story, and today, I choose to not be afraid.
Monday, December 10, 2018
Friday, December 7, 2018
Desperate times....
It has been too long since a blog post... In this rather drastic life transition I am currently going through, these last two weeks in particular I have been consumed by guilt, shame, and embarrassment.
They hit me over the Thanksgiving holiday, and hit me hard. For me, the holidays typically don't trigger a desire to drink, even though alcohol is definitely present at my family gatherings. But this Thanksgiving was different, because my situation was different. I have an amazing family, and they are very supportive, my biggest champions. But as I explained my job situation, over and over, the "pink cloud" feeling of being free of my toxic previous employment situation started to dissipate. As I looked around at my successful family members, my cousins close to my age who had families of their own, and appeared to be winning at life, embarrassment began to take hold. And then shame. There I was, 35, with no job, no man, no closer to a family of my own...
How did I get here? How did this become my life?
But I do know the answers to those questions. While some of it was/is out of my control, the pieces that were in my control too often root back to alcohol and the consequences of using alcohol as a coping mechanism. And therein lie the guilt and shame.
Suffice it say, I knew I needed more help. I needed to reach out and connect with a sobriety support system much more intentionally than I was. I had my Y12SR group that I've been attending more regularly, and doing my readings and exercises and podcasts. But desperate times....
So I have started attending online AA meetings again. As I've said, I'm not necessarily a fan of AA, but I will use whatever resources are available. Because I want to move out of this life transition period, and I know that the only way to do so successfully is to really work recovery. Every day. Every hour. Every moment.
It's not been a perfect process, especially that week following Thanksgiving when reality just really f*ing sucked.
But it doesn't have to be. All that matters at the end of each day is that I've been working my recovery program. I have been showing up for myself, and this past week in particular, showing up with gratitude and compassion. For today, that's enough.
They hit me over the Thanksgiving holiday, and hit me hard. For me, the holidays typically don't trigger a desire to drink, even though alcohol is definitely present at my family gatherings. But this Thanksgiving was different, because my situation was different. I have an amazing family, and they are very supportive, my biggest champions. But as I explained my job situation, over and over, the "pink cloud" feeling of being free of my toxic previous employment situation started to dissipate. As I looked around at my successful family members, my cousins close to my age who had families of their own, and appeared to be winning at life, embarrassment began to take hold. And then shame. There I was, 35, with no job, no man, no closer to a family of my own...
How did I get here? How did this become my life?
But I do know the answers to those questions. While some of it was/is out of my control, the pieces that were in my control too often root back to alcohol and the consequences of using alcohol as a coping mechanism. And therein lie the guilt and shame.
Suffice it say, I knew I needed more help. I needed to reach out and connect with a sobriety support system much more intentionally than I was. I had my Y12SR group that I've been attending more regularly, and doing my readings and exercises and podcasts. But desperate times....
So I have started attending online AA meetings again. As I've said, I'm not necessarily a fan of AA, but I will use whatever resources are available. Because I want to move out of this life transition period, and I know that the only way to do so successfully is to really work recovery. Every day. Every hour. Every moment.
It's not been a perfect process, especially that week following Thanksgiving when reality just really f*ing sucked.
But it doesn't have to be. All that matters at the end of each day is that I've been working my recovery program. I have been showing up for myself, and this past week in particular, showing up with gratitude and compassion. For today, that's enough.
Friday, November 23, 2018
Reflection on cravings
I have a note I keep in my car, just in case I am hit with a craving if I'm out and about... say, if "happy hour" suddenly sounds like the best way to end my day at work. Or if I'm out for food and see folks gathered 'round tables littered with empty pint and wine glasses, laughing, and suddenly my carry-out order and quiet apartment are no longer appealing. Or if I find myself behind that guy at the supermarket who has a couple of craft beer six packs in his cart, and I wonder what party he is going to--is there a game on? Are they cooking out? Will there be a campfire?
When I arrive at that "choice point" that every craving brings, my note reminds me to consider: will this action take me towards my goals, or away? Am I willing to sacrifice long-term happiness and health for the short-term relief of drinking, of giving into that craving?
I read this note, and (usually) remember just how short that relief is, and just how long the consequences from choosing that relief can be. Have been. Are.
That relief from those first few sips actually is mere seconds. One. Two. Three.
Fleeting.
Those consequences? They are the stuff of regret. Shame. Guilt. Some of them have lasted years. Some of them are irredeemable. None of them are fleeting.
When I arrive at that "choice point" that every craving brings, my note reminds me to consider: will this action take me towards my goals, or away? Am I willing to sacrifice long-term happiness and health for the short-term relief of drinking, of giving into that craving?
I read this note, and (usually) remember just how short that relief is, and just how long the consequences from choosing that relief can be. Have been. Are.
That relief from those first few sips actually is mere seconds. One. Two. Three.
Fleeting.
Those consequences? They are the stuff of regret. Shame. Guilt. Some of them have lasted years. Some of them are irredeemable. None of them are fleeting.
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
Losing, to Find...
Almost two weeks ago, I lost my job. It's still unreal. It's hugely terrifying, and hugely relieving. Terrifying because I am a single-income household with no real financial assets to draw upon. A theme that figures prominently in the advocacy work that I do, ironically enough. (It took me almost a year to save $700 that I had earmarked for a mutual fund. Now I don't know if I will meet that goal).
It's also hugely relieving because I can Let. It. Go. The indecision of when it would be the "right" time or opportunity to move on is taken out of my hands, and yes, there's relief in that. It clarifies things: I am moving forward. Decision made.
Environment + Response= Outcome (E+R=O)
That simple, logical equation. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your response to an environment or event. For the last couple of years, I have tried to change my (at times, problematic) Response to a toxic work Environment. But regardless of what I tried, the Outcome never really seemed to improve. I became increasingly disconnected as a result. And also increasingly convinced that the thing that really needed to change in that equation was the Environment, period. As in, get the f* out of Dodge. But I felt immobilized.
But now! Now I am freed from that environment. And although this freedom is not without pain or fear (there are plenty of moments in a day where I can feel panic rising), I also feel like there are new opportunities for me to engage in new Environments that make activating a healthy Response easier.
In the week following the news, however, I lost sight of that half way through. The end of that week included 2 days of straight up sleep, all day. Uncompassionate thoughts about myself and my value. A missed spinning class. No blogging. An irreparable breach with my now-ex boyfriend. I didn't necessarily show up for myself in the ways I'd have liked. By the end of the week, I felt pretty damn low.
But that wasn't my entire response, and it's important to remember the ways that I did show up for myself. I made it to my Y12SR meeting, and an additional yoga class. I reached out to my sobriety network for extra support. I snagged a part time job that I am excited about. I submitted applications to new job opportunities, including some I may not have applied for under other circumstances, but for which I am qualified and that do support my professional passions. I spent time with my family. And I received incredible support and kindness from my professional network.
During this time, I found my way to Laura McKowen's 6 mantras for early sobriety, and have been reflecting on the first one: I have one job. Ironic right? (Check out a similar post I wrote on "sobriety first.") I have one job: save myself. In all the ways that matter: physically, mentally, emotionally. For me, because so much of my identity is tied to my professional identity, this also means finding a job I can show up to with joy. Not the resignation and resentments I showed up with for 2 years at this last job. I have done enough of that. I'm still thinking through what job description would support showing up with joy, but I know it will include showing up with passion and creativity and purpose. In an environment of camaraderie, trust, empowerment, and positivity.
I now feel like I can truly choose how to show up. Completely. With no baggage. That feels exciting. Still, in these early days, I catch myself in that negative headspace I was in at my old organization, feeling tense, thinking about the drama and chaos, and the baggage I carried (carry still?). And then I remember: I am not there anymore. Tomorrow morning will not find me at that desk. And it feels a bit like a drinking dream, where you wake up panicked that you drank only to realize it was just a dream, that you are safe in bed, sober. And the sense of relief that comes with that.
I have one job: save myself. It is the most important job I will ever have. The only one that really matters.
It's also hugely relieving because I can Let. It. Go. The indecision of when it would be the "right" time or opportunity to move on is taken out of my hands, and yes, there's relief in that. It clarifies things: I am moving forward. Decision made.
Environment + Response= Outcome (E+R=O)
That simple, logical equation. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your response to an environment or event. For the last couple of years, I have tried to change my (at times, problematic) Response to a toxic work Environment. But regardless of what I tried, the Outcome never really seemed to improve. I became increasingly disconnected as a result. And also increasingly convinced that the thing that really needed to change in that equation was the Environment, period. As in, get the f* out of Dodge. But I felt immobilized.
But now! Now I am freed from that environment. And although this freedom is not without pain or fear (there are plenty of moments in a day where I can feel panic rising), I also feel like there are new opportunities for me to engage in new Environments that make activating a healthy Response easier.
In the week following the news, however, I lost sight of that half way through. The end of that week included 2 days of straight up sleep, all day. Uncompassionate thoughts about myself and my value. A missed spinning class. No blogging. An irreparable breach with my now-ex boyfriend. I didn't necessarily show up for myself in the ways I'd have liked. By the end of the week, I felt pretty damn low.
But that wasn't my entire response, and it's important to remember the ways that I did show up for myself. I made it to my Y12SR meeting, and an additional yoga class. I reached out to my sobriety network for extra support. I snagged a part time job that I am excited about. I submitted applications to new job opportunities, including some I may not have applied for under other circumstances, but for which I am qualified and that do support my professional passions. I spent time with my family. And I received incredible support and kindness from my professional network.
During this time, I found my way to Laura McKowen's 6 mantras for early sobriety, and have been reflecting on the first one: I have one job. Ironic right? (Check out a similar post I wrote on "sobriety first.") I have one job: save myself. In all the ways that matter: physically, mentally, emotionally. For me, because so much of my identity is tied to my professional identity, this also means finding a job I can show up to with joy. Not the resignation and resentments I showed up with for 2 years at this last job. I have done enough of that. I'm still thinking through what job description would support showing up with joy, but I know it will include showing up with passion and creativity and purpose. In an environment of camaraderie, trust, empowerment, and positivity.
I now feel like I can truly choose how to show up. Completely. With no baggage. That feels exciting. Still, in these early days, I catch myself in that negative headspace I was in at my old organization, feeling tense, thinking about the drama and chaos, and the baggage I carried (carry still?). And then I remember: I am not there anymore. Tomorrow morning will not find me at that desk. And it feels a bit like a drinking dream, where you wake up panicked that you drank only to realize it was just a dream, that you are safe in bed, sober. And the sense of relief that comes with that.
I have one job: save myself. It is the most important job I will ever have. The only one that really matters.
Friday, November 2, 2018
Book Review: Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking
The toxic triangle of food, alcohol, and depression--and how women can break free. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema.
In my recovery journey, I have leaned on women-specific resources wherever I have been able to find them. So when I stumbled across the title of this book (I forget where), I was very excited to dig in. The book explores the toxic triangle many women may find themselves in, often in an attempt to people-please and live up to cultural expectations of what women "should be." It's an easy read, though at times the scenarios presented seemed both somewhat dramatic and generic. I found myself skimming and skipping ahead in much of the first half of the book. Still, there were pieces that deeply resonated with me.
1. Perhaps I spend more time in this toxic triangle than I realized.
I knew I had issues with drinking, in particular binge drinking (as in, I'm not and never was an every day drinker, but generally consumed large quantities of booze when I did drink). But I never really gave much thought to how my tendencies towards overthinking and periodic binge eating may all be related. In particular, my tendency to overthink (to ruminate, to obsess. Anxiety and depression are also part of this.) can leave me so tightly wound that a breakdown (i.e. drinking) is inevitable regardless of my willpower or my conscious desires. As Nolen-Hoeksema describes: "The symptoms can feel good--it's such a relief to let go and binge, or give up and curl into a little ball." I've done both of those things. Many times. And now I have a better understanding as to why.
2. Taking it upon myself, perhaps when I shouldn't.
This book introduced me to the concept of self-focused coping, or, women's tendency to focus on controlling/changing themselves when faced with a difficult situation, rather than focusing externally on conditions or others that need to be doing the changing. Not surprisingly, it's the opposite for men (generally speaking, of course). This resonated very deeply with me. When something bad happens to women, we can analyze the hell out of the problem. And we may feel the issue acutely, in our bodies. As a result, we engage in damaging behaviors to change how our bodies feel. Pre-recovery, that behavior was drinking. Now, in place of alcohol, I have found myself eating an entire package of Maple creme cookies, for example, or falling into a deep sleep for hours on my couch. Self-focused coping isn't inherently bad (for example, deep breathing to manage stress), but the doc cautions that "when it involves hurting your body or gets in the way of doing something productive to overcome your problems, it becomes dangerous." With this knowledge, I've been assessing my responses to a highly stressful work environment, and trying to think through how to make sure that that toxic environment does not lead me into the toxic triangle.
3. Conditional self-esteem...
Ah, self esteem. That ever-elusive self-regard. Another concept introduced to me in this book. Another one that resonated deeply. In other words, when women's perception of self-worth is based upon external conditions, or tied to meeting external standards, setting us up for unreasonable expectations. And if/when we fail to meet these standards, watch out. Into the triangle go I. I have set up a lot of measures of success for myself, mostly all related to career success: how many projects am I leading? How many publications do I have? What's my title? How many people in the community know me? How large is my network? It's a constant source of anxiety. And very unbalanced. And at the end of the day, are these the things that matter most to me? I don't know for sure, but I suspect not. Or, as I mature, not as much as other things are starting to.
Getting to the second half, the "now what?" chapters, definitely re-captured my interest. The last two chapters are about identifying the triggers that lead you into the toxic triangle, and tips for actively choosing new ways of thinking and behaving. She didn't offer any silver bullets, and some suggestions are pretty standard (for example, mindfulness and urge surfing are techniques explored in a lot of recovery literature and programs, and which I was already familiar with), but what is new is these techniques are framed by a woman, for women, in the context of breaking out of the toxic triangle. So I "heard" these strategies in a new way.
For example, one visioning technique recommended is the Real You, Positive You exercise. This exercise asks you to visualize the Positive You (a day in the life of the new, sober you, winning at life, in detail). Again, nothing new in the exercise. But the suggestion is followed by this note: "Focusing on the differences between the ideal you or Positive You and the Real You can trigger...escapist behaviors like bingeing, so you may be wondering, why should I do this exercise? Because, before you can begin to make changes in your life, you have to be aware of the goals and expectations you hold for yourself, so that you can decide whether you really wish to hold them, or whether they are the legacy of society's expectations." Damn. Yes, sister.
This has given me a lot to think about over these last several days. And I will be devoting time to pondering the answers to these questions: what goals have I laid out for myself? Did I pick these up from society's messages and expectations, or are they truly self-directed? Do they reflect my values and ways I want to define myself?
Before, I had somewhat general goals... go to grad school, embark on a meaningful career, eventually start a family. I've accomplished these first two, even in spite of alcohol. Which absolutely counts as a win in my opinion. But now in my mid-30s, it's time to take stock with a fresh perspective, and a decade of professional experience under my belt, and get specific about what I want now. Sobriety makes this possible, and is generous in its offerings. It gives me time back, the energy (mental and physical) to be relentless in my pursuit, and the creativity to re-imagine what thriving looks like, for me, by me.
This has given me a lot to think about over these last several days. And I will be devoting time to pondering the answers to these questions: what goals have I laid out for myself? Did I pick these up from society's messages and expectations, or are they truly self-directed? Do they reflect my values and ways I want to define myself?
Before, I had somewhat general goals... go to grad school, embark on a meaningful career, eventually start a family. I've accomplished these first two, even in spite of alcohol. Which absolutely counts as a win in my opinion. But now in my mid-30s, it's time to take stock with a fresh perspective, and a decade of professional experience under my belt, and get specific about what I want now. Sobriety makes this possible, and is generous in its offerings. It gives me time back, the energy (mental and physical) to be relentless in my pursuit, and the creativity to re-imagine what thriving looks like, for me, by me.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Leveraging your strengths in recovery
At work, we recently completed the CliftonStrengths Assessment. I *love* a good skills assessment, so I was really excited about this. We have been trying to go through some emotional healing and team-building as an organization of late, and in my opinion, it's not really been working as evidenced by continued low morale and territorial behavior. (In our defense, that's what happens when you are, as an organization, leaderless and rudderless for 2+ years.... It has been a very stressful, even toxic, situation for me for sure....that I am still trying to manage my way through. I digress).
Well, the Strengths exercise may have fallen a bit flat at work, but it's certainly clarifying my recovery process for me. My 5 Signature Strengths are Discipline, Intellection, Empathy, Input, and Learner. Re-reading the descriptions of these themes with a recovery lens, I can see why I enjoy and need certain activities of recovery (and why perhaps a traditional 12-step program has not worked, on its own, for me).
The Big 3 that are resonating most with me at this moment are all related to learning. To mental processing, exercising the muscles of my brain. I like to think deep, and think often, with a desire to improve myself and/or know myself better. And to not only process what I learn, but to share it with others. I do this in my work. And now I am doing this in my recovery. This is why the thought of doing a blog on sobriety, which occurred to me one evening last fall as I was walking through a favorite park (one of my favorite ways to process, btw), kept coming back to me. It not only is an outlet for me to process information and gain clarity, but it's also an archive of my experience (people with Input as a theme like to collect "things" and archive). These strengths are why I am constantly searching out books and podcasts and other blogs on sobriety and recovery. It's why my therapist once told me that for me, sobriety may be more of an intellectual exercise-- it has to "make sense"; I need to understand it on an intellectual level, not just an emotional level. And it may explain why parts of me are in fact so resistant to 12-step programs that ask me to accept powerlessness (I still struggle with this notion, and yes, I've been reading up on this, and trying to think through what this actually "means" for me.)
It also explains why recovery feels exciting to me, beyond the obvious benefits of being alcohol free. If we allow it to be, recovery can be a process of never-ending learning and discovery. And that resonates deeply for me.
Well, the Strengths exercise may have fallen a bit flat at work, but it's certainly clarifying my recovery process for me. My 5 Signature Strengths are Discipline, Intellection, Empathy, Input, and Learner. Re-reading the descriptions of these themes with a recovery lens, I can see why I enjoy and need certain activities of recovery (and why perhaps a traditional 12-step program has not worked, on its own, for me).
The Big 3 that are resonating most with me at this moment are all related to learning. To mental processing, exercising the muscles of my brain. I like to think deep, and think often, with a desire to improve myself and/or know myself better. And to not only process what I learn, but to share it with others. I do this in my work. And now I am doing this in my recovery. This is why the thought of doing a blog on sobriety, which occurred to me one evening last fall as I was walking through a favorite park (one of my favorite ways to process, btw), kept coming back to me. It not only is an outlet for me to process information and gain clarity, but it's also an archive of my experience (people with Input as a theme like to collect "things" and archive). These strengths are why I am constantly searching out books and podcasts and other blogs on sobriety and recovery. It's why my therapist once told me that for me, sobriety may be more of an intellectual exercise-- it has to "make sense"; I need to understand it on an intellectual level, not just an emotional level. And it may explain why parts of me are in fact so resistant to 12-step programs that ask me to accept powerlessness (I still struggle with this notion, and yes, I've been reading up on this, and trying to think through what this actually "means" for me.)
It also explains why recovery feels exciting to me, beyond the obvious benefits of being alcohol free. If we allow it to be, recovery can be a process of never-ending learning and discovery. And that resonates deeply for me.
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Recovering from Recovery? Yes, it's a thing...
I'm approaching 2 months of a renewed focus on sobriety and recovery. It feels both like that time has passed quickly, and like that's a big number: 60 days. On the whole, it has been a great rediscovery of the joys of sobriety. And, along the way, as I've mentioned before, I've experienced second comings of old "Aha!" moments, those lessons and insights from my recovery journey 1.0.
For example, recently, there were two weekends in a row I felt so off. Actually, I felt hungover, but without the alcohol. Which was a surreal experience in itself. I did the same things I described in a previous post of hunkering down on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and food, taking hours-long naps. Alone. I had no energy, and no idea why I felt the way I did, especially when the weekdays preceding these weekends were great! One week even included a working vacation to Pittsburgh with my boyfriend! So why so lackluster?
It wasn't until a conversation with my boyfriend that I understood the why. He was beginning to feel hurt that I was shutting myself up in my apartment, alone. I am an introvert, and naturally need some alone time to decompress and restore myself, but we both could sense that this was not what was going on. And as we were talking, I started sharing how it takes time to adapt to changes in routine, even when they are positive changes leading to healthier routines. It's still a change in how I am moving through my day and my world. Small wonder then that there were days I just felt exhausted.
These changes are happening on every level-- physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It is a lot to process! At times, it even feels like sensory overload. Because I am much more present and attuned to what is going on around me and within me. I am engaged, fully, even in moments or situations I don't necessarily wish I was engaged with! And for those of us who have used substances to alter the reality we engage with--either to escape or to enhance it--this new awareness can at times overwhelm.
For example, I have been more physically active, literally covering more ground, these last couple months than I had in the several months preceding, likely even year! I have added 30 minutes of walking breaks into every work day (or as close to that as I can manage). These breaks are in addition to focused exercise I do 4-5 days a week of at least 40 minutes (which includes two new 60- minute exercise classes I enrolled in). I have traveled to Dayton several times these last two months, visiting my sweet nieces, spent almost a week in Pittsburgh at a conference for work, made a day trip to Cleveland... and more.
So yes. I shut down two weekends. And while it did not feel good in those moments, and it was very confusing at the time, I understand why now. Adjusting to this new routine can and will exhaust me. I also know that this period of adjustment will give way to normalcy. Now that I am newly aware of this fact, I can make choices for recovering in my recovery that will really soothe me, instead of "numbing out" through bingeing on food and tv. I can be patient and kind with myself.
For example, recently, there were two weekends in a row I felt so off. Actually, I felt hungover, but without the alcohol. Which was a surreal experience in itself. I did the same things I described in a previous post of hunkering down on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and food, taking hours-long naps. Alone. I had no energy, and no idea why I felt the way I did, especially when the weekdays preceding these weekends were great! One week even included a working vacation to Pittsburgh with my boyfriend! So why so lackluster?
It wasn't until a conversation with my boyfriend that I understood the why. He was beginning to feel hurt that I was shutting myself up in my apartment, alone. I am an introvert, and naturally need some alone time to decompress and restore myself, but we both could sense that this was not what was going on. And as we were talking, I started sharing how it takes time to adapt to changes in routine, even when they are positive changes leading to healthier routines. It's still a change in how I am moving through my day and my world. Small wonder then that there were days I just felt exhausted.
These changes are happening on every level-- physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It is a lot to process! At times, it even feels like sensory overload. Because I am much more present and attuned to what is going on around me and within me. I am engaged, fully, even in moments or situations I don't necessarily wish I was engaged with! And for those of us who have used substances to alter the reality we engage with--either to escape or to enhance it--this new awareness can at times overwhelm.
For example, I have been more physically active, literally covering more ground, these last couple months than I had in the several months preceding, likely even year! I have added 30 minutes of walking breaks into every work day (or as close to that as I can manage). These breaks are in addition to focused exercise I do 4-5 days a week of at least 40 minutes (which includes two new 60- minute exercise classes I enrolled in). I have traveled to Dayton several times these last two months, visiting my sweet nieces, spent almost a week in Pittsburgh at a conference for work, made a day trip to Cleveland... and more.
 |
| Hello Pittsburgh! Hello Cleveland! |
Monday, October 22, 2018
Amending...
I don't follow a 12-step program. I've been to AA meetings, several in fact, and I have received some benefit from going to them. But AA never resonated with me, for many reasons, and maybe I'll lay those out in anther post....
But one thing has been swirling around in my mind lately... this idea of "amends". This is a critical step in 12-step programs. And I get it. There are many, many things I regret--behaviors, decisions, and so on-- that I most definitely would not have done, or not in the same manner or to the same degree, sober. And these regretted behaviors or decisions absolutely hurt people I love (at worst, and often deeply) or inconvenienced others (at best), and there's a full spectrum in between.
But in this time, I am feeling a need for balance. Because I am wondering why it is society and/or recovery programs expect so much more of people in recovery (addicts, if we must label) than we do of folks just in general it seems. AA demands 100% adherence to its code of conduct; if you have a relapse you start all over. Recovery success is measured by 100% abstinence. A recent This Naked Mind podcast with guest Dr. Adi Jaffe illuminates the absurdity--and the danger--of this all-or-nothing measure of success for recovery.
These are really high expectations that we don't hold in other areas of our life or with other people, or in other lifestyle or behavioral changes we undertake (usually.... and I'd suggest that if we are attaching such strict measures to other behavioral changes, that may be a concern in itself).
But what about the reverse? Why don't those of us working recovery ask for amends from others? Dr. Gabor Mate, addiction expert, asks us not what is the addiction, but what is the pain? Meaning, there is an initial wound that our troubled coping mechanisms (i.e. addictions) are seeking to soothe or resolve. When did our wound start? Who wounded us? And can we forgive them, and forgive ourselves, and move on?
Some may read this and think I am being petulant, or trying to make rationalizations or excuses or accuse me of being unwilling to really work recovery. That's not what this is. This is, I think, me trying to balance the scales. Because for those of us who have been willing to seek new ways of coping with life and engage a path of self discovery (i.e. recovery), that would suggest that we have (at least internally) acknowledged that we made mistakes, maybe even grievous ones, and are scaling those mountains of shame and guilt. Do we really need to itemize the list? That list, by the way, has likely been running in our minds for as long as we have been engaged in the problematic behaviors. We are unrelentingly hard on ourselves. Some programs, maybe even some people in our lives, ask us to keep going back through that list of regrets and shame, cycling through our character defects, to keep apologizing... It sounds horrible! And it feels pretty bad, speaking as someone who carries such lists in her head, and on paper, and yes, has even actually done the amends thing.
I much prefer the approach outlined in 30 Days, the "Total Truth Process" (TTP) (originally developed by John Gray and Barbara DeAngelis). For me, this recognizes that there was likely more than just me involved in a situation: that I was responding to someone and/or something. TTP is both seeking and granting forgiveness. And this feels more authentic to me, more balanced. 30 Days recommends doing this process with yourself, your parents/guardians, and anyone else you may be harboring resentment towards (and I would add, guilt about). The 6 steps of the Total Truth Process are as follows:
1. Acknowledge your anger/resentment (I'm angry that.... I resent....)
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it caused (It hurt me when.... I felt sad/disappointed when...)
3. Acknowledge the fears and self doubts it created (I was afraid that... I was scared when....)
4. Own any part that you may have played in letting it occur/continue (I'm sorry that... Please forgive me for.... I didn't mean to....)
5. Express what you wanted that you didn't get and/or what you want/need now (All i ever wanted... I deserve... I want you to....)
6. Understand where the other person was/is coming from and forgive them (I understand that.... I forgive you for...Thank you for.....)
(Note that Step 4 above sounds a lot like Steps 8 & 9 in AA-- 8. Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. But I like that the Total Truth Process does not stop there.)
Now obviously, this process may not apply in every situation (and most particularly, may not be relevant or even advisable or safe for those who have experienced deeply traumatic events... I have met many women who have shared such stories with me....they were victimized. In some cases brutally so. And repeatedly. And they will likely never receive their amends. And frankly, I have seen 12 step programs--or those who would use these programs to pass judgement-- re-traumatize these women. But again, a post for another time). And sometimes, even oftentimes, alcohol just made me an ass, unprovoked, and there was no inciting situation or person. But for those bigger amends, where the wound involves family, friends, intimate partners, even colleagues, this balanced approach is more empowering for me, more authentic.
And really, isn't this how conflict resolution in life should go? In all our relationships? Whether recovery-focused or not? How many of us actually practice forgiveness, both granting and seeking, in our lives? If we did, wouldn't we be healthier? More tolerant? More gracious and humble? These are big questions, I know.... And I risk digressing. But it just affirms what I have witnessed, in my relatively short journey of recovery-- the people doing the real work are the people society at large is so quick to judge and label as sick and diseased... Yet these are the people who are unlocking the secrets to a balanced, thriving life. Imperfectly, perhaps. But ever striving.
But one thing has been swirling around in my mind lately... this idea of "amends". This is a critical step in 12-step programs. And I get it. There are many, many things I regret--behaviors, decisions, and so on-- that I most definitely would not have done, or not in the same manner or to the same degree, sober. And these regretted behaviors or decisions absolutely hurt people I love (at worst, and often deeply) or inconvenienced others (at best), and there's a full spectrum in between.
But in this time, I am feeling a need for balance. Because I am wondering why it is society and/or recovery programs expect so much more of people in recovery (addicts, if we must label) than we do of folks just in general it seems. AA demands 100% adherence to its code of conduct; if you have a relapse you start all over. Recovery success is measured by 100% abstinence. A recent This Naked Mind podcast with guest Dr. Adi Jaffe illuminates the absurdity--and the danger--of this all-or-nothing measure of success for recovery.
These are really high expectations that we don't hold in other areas of our life or with other people, or in other lifestyle or behavioral changes we undertake (usually.... and I'd suggest that if we are attaching such strict measures to other behavioral changes, that may be a concern in itself).
But what about the reverse? Why don't those of us working recovery ask for amends from others? Dr. Gabor Mate, addiction expert, asks us not what is the addiction, but what is the pain? Meaning, there is an initial wound that our troubled coping mechanisms (i.e. addictions) are seeking to soothe or resolve. When did our wound start? Who wounded us? And can we forgive them, and forgive ourselves, and move on?
Some may read this and think I am being petulant, or trying to make rationalizations or excuses or accuse me of being unwilling to really work recovery. That's not what this is. This is, I think, me trying to balance the scales. Because for those of us who have been willing to seek new ways of coping with life and engage a path of self discovery (i.e. recovery), that would suggest that we have (at least internally) acknowledged that we made mistakes, maybe even grievous ones, and are scaling those mountains of shame and guilt. Do we really need to itemize the list? That list, by the way, has likely been running in our minds for as long as we have been engaged in the problematic behaviors. We are unrelentingly hard on ourselves. Some programs, maybe even some people in our lives, ask us to keep going back through that list of regrets and shame, cycling through our character defects, to keep apologizing... It sounds horrible! And it feels pretty bad, speaking as someone who carries such lists in her head, and on paper, and yes, has even actually done the amends thing.
I much prefer the approach outlined in 30 Days, the "Total Truth Process" (TTP) (originally developed by John Gray and Barbara DeAngelis). For me, this recognizes that there was likely more than just me involved in a situation: that I was responding to someone and/or something. TTP is both seeking and granting forgiveness. And this feels more authentic to me, more balanced. 30 Days recommends doing this process with yourself, your parents/guardians, and anyone else you may be harboring resentment towards (and I would add, guilt about). The 6 steps of the Total Truth Process are as follows:
1. Acknowledge your anger/resentment (I'm angry that.... I resent....)
2. Acknowledge the hurt and pain it caused (It hurt me when.... I felt sad/disappointed when...)
3. Acknowledge the fears and self doubts it created (I was afraid that... I was scared when....)
4. Own any part that you may have played in letting it occur/continue (I'm sorry that... Please forgive me for.... I didn't mean to....)
5. Express what you wanted that you didn't get and/or what you want/need now (All i ever wanted... I deserve... I want you to....)
6. Understand where the other person was/is coming from and forgive them (I understand that.... I forgive you for...Thank you for.....)
(Note that Step 4 above sounds a lot like Steps 8 & 9 in AA-- 8. Made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. But I like that the Total Truth Process does not stop there.)
Now obviously, this process may not apply in every situation (and most particularly, may not be relevant or even advisable or safe for those who have experienced deeply traumatic events... I have met many women who have shared such stories with me....they were victimized. In some cases brutally so. And repeatedly. And they will likely never receive their amends. And frankly, I have seen 12 step programs--or those who would use these programs to pass judgement-- re-traumatize these women. But again, a post for another time). And sometimes, even oftentimes, alcohol just made me an ass, unprovoked, and there was no inciting situation or person. But for those bigger amends, where the wound involves family, friends, intimate partners, even colleagues, this balanced approach is more empowering for me, more authentic.
And really, isn't this how conflict resolution in life should go? In all our relationships? Whether recovery-focused or not? How many of us actually practice forgiveness, both granting and seeking, in our lives? If we did, wouldn't we be healthier? More tolerant? More gracious and humble? These are big questions, I know.... And I risk digressing. But it just affirms what I have witnessed, in my relatively short journey of recovery-- the people doing the real work are the people society at large is so quick to judge and label as sick and diseased... Yet these are the people who are unlocking the secrets to a balanced, thriving life. Imperfectly, perhaps. But ever striving.
Friday, October 12, 2018
Love Your Addiction, Love Yourself
Practicing Radical Self-love
"Love your addiction, love yourself." When I first read these words, they stunned me. It was a complete paradigm shift. Away from guilt and shame and pain, and towards love and forgiveness and well-being. These words were the sub-heading in one of my favorite recovery books, 30 Day Sobriety Solution, part of Day 4: The Forgiveness Solution (for me, this solution alone is worth buying the book!). I have said it elsewhere, and I will say it here, because I fundamentally believe it to be true: people in recovery (whether sustained or cyclical) are some of the most empathetic, strongest, and bravest people I have ever met. Many have endured hundreds of indignities--big and small-- while using and yes, perhaps even in going through a recovery process, especially if this process involved the criminal justice system. Some have hit a hard rock bottom, and too many have said goodbye forever to loved ones who couldn't find another path. I have said such a goodbye. And but for addiction and our triumphs over struggle, would this be true to the same extent? I have a hard time believing it would. Love your addiction....
I had my first drink when I was a sophomore (maybe that summer before?) in high school, and within the span of a few short years, I'd say on balance, I was drinking more to relieve pain than to gain pleasure. In fact, as the authors describe in 30 Days, the desire to drink is understandable, even on the face of it, perhaps reasonable, derived from a positive intention to feel good (even though as Alan Carr and Annie Grace and others correctly point out the notion that drinking = pleasure is formed by social conditioning and marketing... nonetheless). I'd also say that early in my drinking "career" I started to feel uneasy about it, questioning it, realizing that the promises and benefits about drinking and alcohol never really seemed to materialize... But with the questioning there also presented no plausible alternatives. By this I mean, if you thought you had a drinking problem and you admitted such, you'd be labeled an alcoholic, and the stigma with that label is deep and vastly unappealing. As an undergraduate student, when I first really started thinking I should cut back, I was still trying to form my identity on my terms. I was insecure, internally I felt shy and awkward, still struggling with resentments and old hurts. Taking on the identity of an "alcoholic" was not an option. So I continued on a path that included drinking.
That path resulted in a lot of missed opportunities. Broken promises, to myself and others. And many consequences. Many, many times I have wondered what I could have achieved if alcohol had not been so steadfastly present in my life. And every single instant of these negative consequences and doubts and insecurities constituted another layer of guilt and shame. I wish someone had said to me back then what Kristen Johnston shared, "I speak to many addicts all the time, and what I probably tell them most often is: it's not your fault. I know it feels like your fault. I know everyone tells you it's your fault. I know everyone's hurt and angry with you. I know you've done bad things. But the only thing in your control is seeking help to stop."
I have to constantly remind myself that in spite of all this, I have achieved great things. Experienced great moments. Been to great places. Have (or had) great people in my life. Recently, my boyfriend said something to me along the lines of "this is the person I am so happy to see, all these things you are doing, accomplishing..." and I did--and do--appreciate what he was saying. He's my champion. And that means so much. But I also realized that "this person" is not some newly materialized being. I have always been me. The potential has always been there. I am more than one self, right?
In recovery, as in life, understanding and "right-sizing" or resolving guilt and shame are so critically important for self- love, first, but also for other-love.
But for now, for here, it's about accepting my past, fully.
And loving myself-- myselves-- unconditionally.
And forgiving myself, finally.
It has to start there.
"Love your addiction, love yourself." When I first read these words, they stunned me. It was a complete paradigm shift. Away from guilt and shame and pain, and towards love and forgiveness and well-being. These words were the sub-heading in one of my favorite recovery books, 30 Day Sobriety Solution, part of Day 4: The Forgiveness Solution (for me, this solution alone is worth buying the book!). I have said it elsewhere, and I will say it here, because I fundamentally believe it to be true: people in recovery (whether sustained or cyclical) are some of the most empathetic, strongest, and bravest people I have ever met. Many have endured hundreds of indignities--big and small-- while using and yes, perhaps even in going through a recovery process, especially if this process involved the criminal justice system. Some have hit a hard rock bottom, and too many have said goodbye forever to loved ones who couldn't find another path. I have said such a goodbye. And but for addiction and our triumphs over struggle, would this be true to the same extent? I have a hard time believing it would. Love your addiction....
I had my first drink when I was a sophomore (maybe that summer before?) in high school, and within the span of a few short years, I'd say on balance, I was drinking more to relieve pain than to gain pleasure. In fact, as the authors describe in 30 Days, the desire to drink is understandable, even on the face of it, perhaps reasonable, derived from a positive intention to feel good (even though as Alan Carr and Annie Grace and others correctly point out the notion that drinking = pleasure is formed by social conditioning and marketing... nonetheless). I'd also say that early in my drinking "career" I started to feel uneasy about it, questioning it, realizing that the promises and benefits about drinking and alcohol never really seemed to materialize... But with the questioning there also presented no plausible alternatives. By this I mean, if you thought you had a drinking problem and you admitted such, you'd be labeled an alcoholic, and the stigma with that label is deep and vastly unappealing. As an undergraduate student, when I first really started thinking I should cut back, I was still trying to form my identity on my terms. I was insecure, internally I felt shy and awkward, still struggling with resentments and old hurts. Taking on the identity of an "alcoholic" was not an option. So I continued on a path that included drinking.
That path resulted in a lot of missed opportunities. Broken promises, to myself and others. And many consequences. Many, many times I have wondered what I could have achieved if alcohol had not been so steadfastly present in my life. And every single instant of these negative consequences and doubts and insecurities constituted another layer of guilt and shame. I wish someone had said to me back then what Kristen Johnston shared, "I speak to many addicts all the time, and what I probably tell them most often is: it's not your fault. I know it feels like your fault. I know everyone tells you it's your fault. I know everyone's hurt and angry with you. I know you've done bad things. But the only thing in your control is seeking help to stop."
I have to constantly remind myself that in spite of all this, I have achieved great things. Experienced great moments. Been to great places. Have (or had) great people in my life. Recently, my boyfriend said something to me along the lines of "this is the person I am so happy to see, all these things you are doing, accomplishing..." and I did--and do--appreciate what he was saying. He's my champion. And that means so much. But I also realized that "this person" is not some newly materialized being. I have always been me. The potential has always been there. I am more than one self, right?
In recovery, as in life, understanding and "right-sizing" or resolving guilt and shame are so critically important for self- love, first, but also for other-love.
But for now, for here, it's about accepting my past, fully.
And loving myself-- myselves-- unconditionally.
And forgiving myself, finally.
It has to start there.
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
But first, sobriety
Tracking what counts
I've been re-reading books that helped me with my first extended experience of sobriety, and diaries from that time. One of these is Jack Canfield's and Dave Andrew's book, The 30-Day Sobriety Solution. It's a 30-day action plan for achieving sobriety or at least, changing your relationship with alcohol. Each day there are action steps to complete (and honestly, these are good life action steps, not just relevant to recovery from a substance!). I'm re-doing these (though not every day as recommended, admittedly). Previously, I had read to Day 17. |
| One of my go-to books |
Let's take weight loss. I joined Weight Watchers in May ahead of an all-expense paid vacation to Miami Beach with my sister in early June (thank you Johnson & Johnson!). When the vacation time came around, I had abstained from alcohol for almost 3 weeks, and so I was feeling physically OK, though not as good as I had hoped. And boy was I unrelenting (in my head, of course)-- beating myself up about not losing the 5-7 pounds I had wanted to (such a small goal!) and remembering how I had looked, in my previous recovery. In 2017, when I had a lot of sobriety under my belt, I had lost about 30 pounds. I looked great. It was so amazing to just step into my closet and put on whatever I wanted because the clothes all fit! It was like I had gone on some shopping spree because I had been able to wear clothes I hadn't been able to for over a year. But as I gradually re-introduced alcohol into my life, which unsurprisingly coincided with more depression/anxiety (i.e. less motivation), I gained it back. And that felt so terrible. Not just physically painful, but emotionally. It was really hard to look at pictures of me in those days... because they brought a lot of embarrassment and shame.
[Side note: I've also started reading Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking, what author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema refers to as a toxic triangle women can find themselves in. I can totally relate. I'll review when finished.]
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| Happiness on a plate. Pancakes @ Pam's Diner Pittsburgh PA October 2018 |
Now, I generally stay within my points every day. But I allow myself a treat and don't sweat it (hell, I might not even log it! Scandalous, I know. I also haven't weighed myself since I re-started. I'm just going by how I feel. This is also part of keeping sobriety first.). Because it's still a better choice than alcohol. And I also know that, just as before, the longer I go without alcohol, the healthier my body becomes. And that will translate into weight loss. Not just because I'm no longer ingesting copious amounts of calories and sugar, but because I have the energy to exercise. I have the confidence to try new classes. Even better, if I just need a day to veg, I don't feel guilty! I can "afford" an "off" day. (And really, my goal is to move away from that type of thinking entirely, but one thing at a time!)
And all of this just makes sobriety feel good. I. Feel. Good. Even when I feel bad! Or lazy. Or whatever! So, sobriety first, yes. But it's also amazing all the things that will naturally flow from that one healthy choice that you won't even really have to think about, let alone stress about.
Monday, October 8, 2018
Getting to 30: Week Four
At last, Week Four. It starts out pretty much the same as last week. I'm tracking my points. Doing my recovery readings or podcasts. Getting in my exercise and meeting my daily steps goals. I've hit my rhythm and it feels good.
Day 29: brother and I go to a "Loud n Proud" Launch party at Columbus Museum of Art, where we are given 2 drink tickets immediately. Now here, it really does look like everyone has a drink in their hand! And a very tiny part of me is like "Damn, no wine for me... and it's free!" Though I know I am not going to give in. Partly because I am with my brother and he knows what I am doing with sobriety and I could not disappoint him or myself. But I also marvel that I do not have the same type of craving that hit me the previous week. Which is odd. Because this is definitely the type of event where I would have loved a glass of wine, feeling so sophisticated... It is a crisp fall evening, the museum is open after-hours, folks are dressed up a bit, servers mingle with yummy appetizers. So Brother and I walk around, catching bits of conversation, watching artists paint real time. We run into his colleague and chat for a bit. And I leave after an hour... I've seen all there is to see--it's really just people drinking and mingling. And I realize that I've had my fill. Time to carry on with my evening.
Day 30: I get my 1 month notice on my Sober app. And even though I know I am at day 30, to receive that notification really moves me in a way I am not expecting. I did it-- a full 30 days without a single drop. It has been a while since that happened, likely last Fall if I am remembering correctly. And I consider the Saturday I have planned out for myself: a hair appointment, a manicure, and a little shopping for a conference I'm attending in Pittsburgh next week. What a wonderful way to celebrate--a day full of self-care and pampering. I get to the store and fit into a smaller size dress and shirt than the last time I went shopping--a lot can change in 30 days. I head on to the nail salon, where I am offered free wine... <sigh>. Twice this week I have been presented with free alcohol, which admittedly has been frustrating: free booze thrown at me two days in a row--what's this about?!
Eckhart Tolle says the universe will give us whatever experience we need to help the evolution of our consciousness; how do we know this is the experience we need? Because this is the one we are having. So I think OK, I hear ya: it's just another opportunity to flex my resolve. To practice making that conscious choice to move towards health and wellness. And I seriously consider a glass of wine, but not consider in the sense of actually having a drink, but in the sense of, "wow, would I really want to be "that girl" drinking mid-afternoon at a nail salon where I am clearly alone?" And I know that others would have accepted the offer and it would seem like a completely natural response. But for me, the gig is up. I've heard it said ignorance is bliss only if there are no solutions or alternatives, and I think it applies in this situation. When it comes to alcohol, there is no more ignorance.
One last gift to me: flowers. Hello again, 30 Days.
Day 29: brother and I go to a "Loud n Proud" Launch party at Columbus Museum of Art, where we are given 2 drink tickets immediately. Now here, it really does look like everyone has a drink in their hand! And a very tiny part of me is like "Damn, no wine for me... and it's free!" Though I know I am not going to give in. Partly because I am with my brother and he knows what I am doing with sobriety and I could not disappoint him or myself. But I also marvel that I do not have the same type of craving that hit me the previous week. Which is odd. Because this is definitely the type of event where I would have loved a glass of wine, feeling so sophisticated... It is a crisp fall evening, the museum is open after-hours, folks are dressed up a bit, servers mingle with yummy appetizers. So Brother and I walk around, catching bits of conversation, watching artists paint real time. We run into his colleague and chat for a bit. And I leave after an hour... I've seen all there is to see--it's really just people drinking and mingling. And I realize that I've had my fill. Time to carry on with my evening.
Eckhart Tolle says the universe will give us whatever experience we need to help the evolution of our consciousness; how do we know this is the experience we need? Because this is the one we are having. So I think OK, I hear ya: it's just another opportunity to flex my resolve. To practice making that conscious choice to move towards health and wellness. And I seriously consider a glass of wine, but not consider in the sense of actually having a drink, but in the sense of, "wow, would I really want to be "that girl" drinking mid-afternoon at a nail salon where I am clearly alone?" And I know that others would have accepted the offer and it would seem like a completely natural response. But for me, the gig is up. I've heard it said ignorance is bliss only if there are no solutions or alternatives, and I think it applies in this situation. When it comes to alcohol, there is no more ignorance.
One last gift to me: flowers. Hello again, 30 Days.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Getting to 30, Week Three
A Near Miss....
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| Parts of my Recovery Toolkit |
Day 16: It's Sunday. It's another gorgeous day, and not as hot. I hop on my bike in the AM and pedal for an hour. It feels good. I stop for an iced coffee. I do not get winded because there is no residue cigarette smoke in my lungs. I put up my fall decorations. I read in the afternoon and take another nap. I go to bed early.
Day 17: It's a rainy Monday. I'm annoyed. And I make some dumb mistakes, like scheduling a meeting at a coffee shop only to arrive and discover it's closed on Mondays, or nearly rear-ending a parked car as I pull out of my parking space. But it's OK, because I know it's just "one of those days" that we all have, and it's NOT because I'm dealing with after effects of a hangover, which means I don't feel guilty or ashamed, and I know tomorrow really will be different. I blog. I treat myself to a brownie that evening, even though it puts me over my Weight Watchers points for the day. Because I can, and it won't make me feel fat or bloated, because it's not alcohol or the binge eating that sometimes accompanies it.
Day 18: Getting ready for work, I notice that my clothes are fitting better. Including my bra and underwear. I feel like my face has thinned a bit, at least to me. I go live with the blog.
Day 21: Well damn if an intense craving does not hit me as I leave for work. It's sunny. It's warm. It's perfect patio weather.... I can feel the pricks of panic. And I am no more in the zone that feels good. I can feel myself entering more of a frenzy. The cognitive dissonance kicks in. A strong desire to stick to my pledge and remain sober competes with a growing desire to have "just one glass." It's a mind and body at war with itself. Now, I had already planned out what I was going to do this Thursday evening: pick up the library book on blogging, do some sort of exercise, and make a healthy dinner. I text my girlfriend that I'm feeling a craving; she responds that I can stay strong. I call my boyfriend (as we had discussed if I felt a craving) as I continue to make my way to the library. I don't tell him about the craving though. I don't know why: maybe I am feeling guilty? Maybe I am providing myself cover in case I do slip... I spend a bit longer at the library than I intended. And sure enough, the craving begins to subside, just a little. Still, I make sure my route home does not go by one of my fave wine spots. As I turn the key in the lock of my front door, my whole body relaxes. I have made it. I am out of the danger zone. I realize in the end, it was about 25 minutes of some pretty intense stress, and I can handle it. And even though it really sucked to concentrate on the stress of wanting to and NOT wanting to give in, I realize that engaging in the thoughts, and making the hard choice to just make it home to regroup, works. At other times when I was trying to maintain sobriety, I'd reach this point and immediately just go to auto-pilot. I'd turn off my mind and head to the bar, because I just couldn't stand that inner noise. This time, I did not turn off that inner clamor, I was right there in it. When I make it home, I tweak my plans a bit. I do yoga instead of cardio because I need to bring my energy level down, not up. I treat myself to a frozen pizza because damn, that was a close call and this is how I will celebrate that small win. I know that because I resisted this time, that the next time a craving hits-- because it will hit again, until my subconscious has healed--I will not experience that same sense of panic. And I am grateful for that.
By the end of Week Three: I'm just grateful. It's the end of Week Three. And I am still sober.
Day 21: Well damn if an intense craving does not hit me as I leave for work. It's sunny. It's warm. It's perfect patio weather.... I can feel the pricks of panic. And I am no more in the zone that feels good. I can feel myself entering more of a frenzy. The cognitive dissonance kicks in. A strong desire to stick to my pledge and remain sober competes with a growing desire to have "just one glass." It's a mind and body at war with itself. Now, I had already planned out what I was going to do this Thursday evening: pick up the library book on blogging, do some sort of exercise, and make a healthy dinner. I text my girlfriend that I'm feeling a craving; she responds that I can stay strong. I call my boyfriend (as we had discussed if I felt a craving) as I continue to make my way to the library. I don't tell him about the craving though. I don't know why: maybe I am feeling guilty? Maybe I am providing myself cover in case I do slip... I spend a bit longer at the library than I intended. And sure enough, the craving begins to subside, just a little. Still, I make sure my route home does not go by one of my fave wine spots. As I turn the key in the lock of my front door, my whole body relaxes. I have made it. I am out of the danger zone. I realize in the end, it was about 25 minutes of some pretty intense stress, and I can handle it. And even though it really sucked to concentrate on the stress of wanting to and NOT wanting to give in, I realize that engaging in the thoughts, and making the hard choice to just make it home to regroup, works. At other times when I was trying to maintain sobriety, I'd reach this point and immediately just go to auto-pilot. I'd turn off my mind and head to the bar, because I just couldn't stand that inner noise. This time, I did not turn off that inner clamor, I was right there in it. When I make it home, I tweak my plans a bit. I do yoga instead of cardio because I need to bring my energy level down, not up. I treat myself to a frozen pizza because damn, that was a close call and this is how I will celebrate that small win. I know that because I resisted this time, that the next time a craving hits-- because it will hit again, until my subconscious has healed--I will not experience that same sense of panic. And I am grateful for that.
Getting to 30, Week Two
Back to those beautiful basics....
Day 10: Start my work week on time, and feeling less bloated. Though I have developed a bad cold.... another outcome of that last binge? Maybe. Whatever it is, my eyes need relief so I decide to remove my makeup--first time ever being at work without it, in 11 years! But I don't have bags under my eyes, or "face bloat" so I actually feel OK with this decision. After work, head back to Dayton to help my sister with the twins. Still dealing with the cold, but it's more manageable than a hangover!
Day 11: Spend day with sister and twins: happy heart. Go to my therapist in evening and unload the work stress. Does work contribute to my problem drinking? Most definitely, and has for at least two years. Is it a toxic place for me? Possibly. But I won't know the true shape of the situation/problem if I do not gain some sobriety and thus perspective. I let go of some of the guilt & shame carried around from previous week about my behavior. A bit more relief.
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| Motivational messages from my tracker |
Day 10: Start my work week on time, and feeling less bloated. Though I have developed a bad cold.... another outcome of that last binge? Maybe. Whatever it is, my eyes need relief so I decide to remove my makeup--first time ever being at work without it, in 11 years! But I don't have bags under my eyes, or "face bloat" so I actually feel OK with this decision. After work, head back to Dayton to help my sister with the twins. Still dealing with the cold, but it's more manageable than a hangover!
Day 11: Spend day with sister and twins: happy heart. Go to my therapist in evening and unload the work stress. Does work contribute to my problem drinking? Most definitely, and has for at least two years. Is it a toxic place for me? Possibly. But I won't know the true shape of the situation/problem if I do not gain some sobriety and thus perspective. I let go of some of the guilt & shame carried around from previous week about my behavior. A bit more relief.
Day 13: My Beginners Blogging workshop! Healthy activities that are actually need-meeting, unlike Happy Hours, which make sure my needs aren't met, but actively ignored (how many workouts did I miss "for one more glass" or bad food choices made or hours of sleep foregone... I couldn't possibly count.). Feeling good about my choices and proud of myself. Am I really going to take this plunge and start a blog? Could I expose myself in such a way? I think about how we can often confuse being vulnerable with being at risk, and therefor fear vulnerability... or associate it with weakness. But one of the best lessons I learned in my longer sobriety time was that vulnerability was actually OK, and many good things can come from it... And then I remember how many valuable lessons got obscured when I started drinking again. But I am here now.
Day 15: Wake early and go to yoga recovery class, and it feels good to release some of these "issues in my tissues." It's a beautiful (and hot!) day that I spend with my brother. We hit a craft fair and our favorite German Village spots: Staufs, Golden Hobby, and Book Loft. Got several Christmas gifts, and some "just because" gifts for my nieces, and a small treat for myself. Best part? I don't even have to think twice about spending it. Money spent on coffee, food, and gifts: $124. Exactly what I spent on my last- ever binge. I reflect that such a successful shopping day just a few weeks ago would have been a reason to drink, in an attempt to keep the good times rolling, even though by the end of it I am physically tired and due for some relaxation. I would have pushed myself, ignoring my tiredness. Instead, I go home, open a book, and take a small nap before dinner.
By the end of Week Two: I've made every appointment or meeting I have scheduled-- no cancellations! Showing up feels good. And I am finally sleeping better: back to my normal routine which includes being in bed by 9:30 to read and listen to Reiki. Lights out by 10:00. I have a more peaceful mind and do not need the Tylenol PM. I also have no more night sweats, which I am sure are part of being hungover-- a body out of balance. And though there have been moments of frustration and discontent with work, I am managing. I am definitely not exacerbating the situation with the stress of alcohol entering and leaving my body.
Day 15: Wake early and go to yoga recovery class, and it feels good to release some of these "issues in my tissues." It's a beautiful (and hot!) day that I spend with my brother. We hit a craft fair and our favorite German Village spots: Staufs, Golden Hobby, and Book Loft. Got several Christmas gifts, and some "just because" gifts for my nieces, and a small treat for myself. Best part? I don't even have to think twice about spending it. Money spent on coffee, food, and gifts: $124. Exactly what I spent on my last- ever binge. I reflect that such a successful shopping day just a few weeks ago would have been a reason to drink, in an attempt to keep the good times rolling, even though by the end of it I am physically tired and due for some relaxation. I would have pushed myself, ignoring my tiredness. Instead, I go home, open a book, and take a small nap before dinner.
By the end of Week Two: I've made every appointment or meeting I have scheduled-- no cancellations! Showing up feels good. And I am finally sleeping better: back to my normal routine which includes being in bed by 9:30 to read and listen to Reiki. Lights out by 10:00. I have a more peaceful mind and do not need the Tylenol PM. I also have no more night sweats, which I am sure are part of being hungover-- a body out of balance. And though there have been moments of frustration and discontent with work, I am managing. I am definitely not exacerbating the situation with the stress of alcohol entering and leaving my body.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Getting to 30, Week One
A diary of my first 30 sober days...
Day 1-3: The hangover. For me, these last 3 days....and I know I will feel like shit mentally and emotionally moreso than physically. Basically, I just shut down. I have no energy. It all sucks.
Day 1 falls on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend... I made such big plans for this weekend with my boyfriend... On this latest drinking episode, I have wasted so much time and energy and money. Money spent on Uber, drinks, food, etc.: $120
Day 1 falls on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend... I made such big plans for this weekend with my boyfriend... On this latest drinking episode, I have wasted so much time and energy and money. Money spent on Uber, drinks, food, etc.: $120
And those Big Plans I had made with my boyfriend for the holiday weekend?
I did not make the final performance of Rhythm on the River Friday eve, which was BalletMet.
I did not make my favorite farmer's market Saturday morning, or my yoga class.
I did not make church or the Sunday evening Shadowbox Live performance at the Columbus Commons, which was a tribute to Prince and David Bowie.
I did not make a bike ride Monday, or visit home and see my newborn twin nieces, loves of my life.
That's quite a long list of disappointment....
So, what do I do that weekend? Hide inside. I finally allow my boyfriend to come over, and we Netflix and chill. All weekend. Because I literally cannot muster the energy or will to leave my apartment. I vaguely consider that maybe I need to speak with my doc about dosage of my anxiety & depression meds, but I know the issue isn't with them. It's the alcohol that is in process of being purged from my body, and it can't happen fast enough. This process can actually take days, though. And don't I know that!
So what am I feeling? Emotionally: frustration, anxiety and sadness levels are very high. Physically: bloating, fatigue, lack of appetite, warm bordering on sweaty at times, with aches in my legs from lying on the couch for long periods of time. Because I sleep so much during these first days, I need sleeping pills at night to quiet my mind and soothe my aching legs.
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| I use the "I Am Sober" app to track |
Day 4: I can tell the corner is approaching, that razor sharp corner between feeling slightly hungover and feeling sober. I start my day listening to my latest Audible recovery book: Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol. I usually listen to this every workday morning, while doing my hair. I get to work on time, though mentally fuzzy. Still taking sleeping pills at night. I hate how my clothes fit and I still feel super bloated and gross. But I also feel resolved. And I do hop on the stationary bike for 90 minutes that evening. My amends to my body for three full days of sloth.
Day 5: First day of Spinning class for Fall session. Still feeling heavy but I sweat out the anxiety. Finally naturally tired in the evening, though I still take sleeping pills.
Day 6: I surprise my boyfriend with dinner and a movie. It is my small apology for keeping us cooped up in my apartment all holiday weekend. We go to Gateway Film Center, my favorite movie theater. The ticket taker tells us of a new event they're starting for 21+, where they bring the bar into the house theater, and he's the bar tender: we should totally check it out. A strong feeling of disappointment registers. Not because I "can't" go to this "new, hip event." But because once again, alcohol has hijacked an activity and space where it just has no business being.
It's already feeling like a long week, and we are both tired, but we have a great time. And I remember how sobriety makes space for generosity and grace.
Day 8: Drive to Dayton, my home, with my brother. Go to church, and am deeply moved by sermon (What is it you are listening for?) Hold my nieces. It's a good sober start to my weekend and I am grateful.
By the end of Week One, the mental fuzziness is just about gone. I clean, organize, exercise, and eat more balanced meals. I still feel bloated, but I know this feeling will fade, AS LONG AS I DON'T DRINK. And I don't.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Getting to 30: Prelude
The "in between" before this 30... It counts!
I will be posting a brief diary of how I am getting to my first 30 days of sobriety, but the story of course does not start there. And I won't tell all of it here. It will be scattered throughout posts as thoughts and reflections and experiences come to me. But I do think it important to reflect on how I came to this new point in time, before I share this diary.
I began really working recovery in the summer of 2015. At that time, it was under a period of considerable duress, and I really did not have any choice. But the external mandates for sobriety matched my own internal mandate to change my relationship with alcohol. I knew I had to figure this thing out. And I had known it for some time, but had never really made much of an effort (beyond a few AA meetings that I did not enjoy). I'd achieve a few weeks or a couple months of sobriety (for example, the summer of my cousin's wedding in 2012, and following the end of a relationship I thought would last forever. In fact, I just stopped drinking at family events completely.).
But in 2014, I was 32. And life was not looking like I had pictured it. I had worked hard, earning two Masters' degrees. But I wasn't totally satisfied in my professional life, which really sucked because it was such a big part of my identity. It had been a few years since I'd had a meaningful relationship with a man, and the online dating scene was growing increasingly wearying. My finances were in a bit of disarray. I couldn't see how I could build a family and it felt like time was running out (and I was convinced it was something I'd have to do on my own...). I felt like I had just stalled out, and I knew alcohol was to blame. I just didn't understand all the many ways it was to blame, at that time. I thought it was me. Even though I knew myself to be smart and strong. So yeah, not a great place to be.
From that summer of 2015 til August 2017 I embarked-- and was mostly successful--in my journey of recovery. I found alternatives to AA that I really enjoyed: Women for Sobriety, and Y12SR. I read memoirs and began to listen to podcasts (to this day, I only listen to podcasts of recovery). I tried new exercise classes. My finances became more stable and I paid down some debt. I can (and will) share more about this experience, because it was truly life changing. I experienced things, met people, and visited places I would never have imagined I would. And I am grateful for that. I should also be clear, however, that this period of time was by no means easy. In the beginning, most of it was downright terrifying. For a number of reasons I just don't want to share right now.
But somewhere in the fall of 2017, I began to dis-connect a bit from the structure and routines I had set up. I began to reconsider drinking-- surely, it would be OK? I was feeling (and looking!) better than I had in years so I assumed that because I was mentally and emotionally better, this would mean alcohol would not have the same negative effects on me as before. So I dabbled. And I dated. And I got into a relationship that was well, just a bit blah. I knew it was not meant for long-term, but at the time I thought, hey, at least it's companionship (I know, I know). But it soon became clear that we just didn't have that much in common. We had different approaches to life, and lifestyles. Which is fine. Except that my drinking increased to keep pace with his and his friends. And I did not like that, but the alcohol trap can spring quick and hold tight. So I was stuck on stupid for six months. When we ended things, it was sad and disappointing, mostly because it was just another relationship that didn't work out. But the worst aspect was that damnit, I was back in the trap, and it just felt worse, more damaging, so much more out of control. Perhaps in part because I had tasted the good life for a good amount of time. Perhaps because Sober Me felt so distant. But she was not altogether silent, and that is how I am here today. Posting about these 30 days. And feeling really good about it all. Fortunately, from my last interval of sobriety, I know the resources and routines and relationships that I need and mostly, I know where to find them. And that is such a huge part of success: figuring out what these are and protecting them fiercely. In the summer of 2015, I was clueless and scared but determined to find things that would really connect with me. Thankfully, most of these resources and friends are still around and that is why this 30 feels so different, and yet, also familiar.
My Y12SR group instructor shared that this is all part of our recovery story. The times we are sober, the times we are actively practicing recovery, and the times we may have in between. So my story does not begin with these "30" and it certainly will not end there.
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Easy Like Sunday Morning....
So. Much. Freedom.
This summer has been so
hot and humid, that I have not been on my bike as much as I would have liked (I
admit, I'm a fair weather biker....). But this Sunday morning it is sunny,
there's a slight, warm breeze, and I do not have a hangover. And so, no
excuses: I must get on my bike!
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| Frankin Park Conservatory in full bloom at end of summer |
In 2017, when I had a
good streak of sobriety going, there was nothing I liked more than Sunday
morning rides. The streets were mostly empty of cars (especially those drivers
who refuse to respect that bikes have every right to be on the road as they, but
that is another post for a different blog...) so any route I took felt safe.
When I came across people, it was other bikers or runners (or churchgoers...
and when cruising down emptied city streets, and through city parks, that's a different kind of Church for me). And it felt like I was part of a special club,
those folks who made the healthiest choice of all that weekend: to not drink.
And in so choosing, got to take over the city for a few quiet hours every
Sunday morning, even if we had to maneuver around the debris leftover from
Saturday night's debauchery.
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| Today, I am here to shop, not to drink! |
And as I pedaled through
my city this morning, I happened upon a street market, Daylight Market on Gay
Street. It has been awhile since I have been on Gay Street in the daytime...
Trust, I have frequented its night spots plenty. And as I peruse the different
offerings of the vendors who have set up shop, sipping on my iced coffee, there
are of course folks on the patios of these night spots that have opened for brunch, morning drinking, and I
just think, "thank God that is not me."
And this gratitude and
this feeling of freedom--that the day is mine and I can do anything with
it!--never, ever gets old. I can vividly remember having those
"Ahhhhhh" moments throughout that first experience of long(ish)
sobriety, and the frequency with which they came. And I am so excited to
experience them again! In expected and unexpected moments, just as I did on
this Easy Sunday Morning.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
To Blog or Not to Blog?
Blogging about sobriety... really?
Hell. Yes. And for so many reasons.... Because
this is my own personal "rage against the alcohol machine" (or as
Alan Carr refers to it, the "alcohol trap"). Because alcohol is
devastation, and as a maturing woman who was ensnared in the trap for almost 2
decades, I spent literally tens of thousands of dollars chasing a lie (and
paying dearly for the consequences of this chase). Because alcohol is
still a HUGE killer of people; it's killed (and nearly killed) people in my own family. A recent article in Governing magazine reflects my mounting frustration with our lack of a national reckoning with the truth of alcohol, even as we are devoting attention (and rightly so) to an opioid epidemic, that while tragic, still hasn't reached the levels of our alcohol epidemic: "The recent increase in alcohol-related deaths from chronic health problems is part of a new picture emerging about alcohol’s negative impacts on American life. While public officials are united in the fight against opioids, they are struggling to adjust their strategy toward a substance that is legal, widely available and increasingly popular among American consumers."
Of course I understand why some (many) of us (public officials included) struggle to adjust to this reality. Alcohol is everywhere. It's legal and it's widely used. There are so many cultural norms wrapped up in its use, so much money thrown into making you believe you need and deserve it, and so much mis-information about its effects (spoiler alert: there is no safe level of consumption....), that it's hard to imagine a different reality. I get it. I bought into it. More on this later.And because I'm tired of
it hijacking every single activity (Vino Vinyasa, really?! There's sooooo much deeply concerning with this "fitness trend" and the messaging around it...), hobby, event, space, etc.. You name it, alcohol (and its peddlers) has tried to claim it.... I'm tired
of the messaging: that people-- especially women-- need wine to unwind, to
parent, to read, to connect, to exercise, to study, to mourn, to celebrate, to
shop (even grocery shop!), to ANYTHING.
Of course I understand why some (many) of us (public officials included) struggle to adjust to this reality. Alcohol is everywhere. It's legal and it's widely used. There are so many cultural norms wrapped up in its use, so much money thrown into making you believe you need and deserve it, and so much mis-information about its effects (spoiler alert: there is no safe level of consumption....), that it's hard to imagine a different reality. I get it. I bought into it. More on this later.And because I'm tired of
it hijacking every single activity (Vino Vinyasa, really?! There's sooooo much deeply concerning with this "fitness trend" and the messaging around it...), hobby, event, space, etc.. You name it, alcohol (and its peddlers) has tried to claim it.... I'm tired
of the messaging: that people-- especially women-- need wine to unwind, to
parent, to read, to connect, to exercise, to study, to mourn, to celebrate, to
shop (even grocery shop!), to ANYTHING.
[Side rant: I also recently discovered that there
are places devoted to re-hydrating folks through IVs. Now, these places do offer hydration services for athletes and jet lag... but then there's also this $99 hangover cure (among others). This seems like pure insanity to me.....If you are using this service for this malady, there may be bigger questions you need to ask yourself. Just sayin'.]
Because really, there
aren't enough blogs (or any other form of media) about sobriety. And how perfectly fine (even rockstar) it is to not drink,
regardless of how you get to that point. Maybe you never drank. Maybe you
consider yourself in recovery. Maybe you have a very occasional drink. Maybe
you find yourself cycling on and off "the wagon". Maybe you are
just considering non-drinking as an option to explore. How did I get
to this point? Well, I will share some of my story in the blogs that
follow. How much of it? I don't know! Depends on the day, my mood,
and whether anyone actually reads this!
OK. So what do I hope to do with this blog (besides rant)... In the rooms, they refer to sharing as offering "experience, strength, and hope." Here (I hope) you'll find stories of recovery, reflections on recovery readings & programs as I've experienced them, sobriety tips, and maybe even lifestyle pieces related to living your best life, outside of the alcohol trap. From the perspective of a mid-30s woman living in a medium-sized Midwestern city, and committed to navigating these city streets and spaces free of alcohol despite all the best marketing and ads and social cues telling me that doing so is, in fact, not possible or desirable or sociable or sexy. In my own small way, I want to contribute to normalizing not drinking. Because yeah, the health & happiness of our society ultimately rests on it.
Full disclosure: I am not adept with the whole social media thing, so yeah, don't expect highly curated photos! I am (re)newly starting this journey. And this is scary. And exciting. I read somewhere that change happens at the edge of my comfort zone. So here we go. Progress, not perfection y'all.
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