Getting to 30, Week Three

A Near Miss....

Parts of my Recovery Toolkit

Beginning of Week Three: In general, I am sleeping without aid! The bloating is no more. And yes, I just feel different in my body! I have energy. Ideas for work, for personal stuff, for anything, are flowing freely. I feel in the zone. And I love that feeling. I knew I would get here, I knew it would take several days, but it's arrived. Still starting each morning listening to my Audible recovery book.

Day 16: It's Sunday. It's another gorgeous day, and not as hot. I hop on my bike in the AM and pedal for an hour. It feels good. I stop for an iced coffee. I do not get winded because there is no residue cigarette smoke in my lungs. I put up my fall decorations. I read in the afternoon and take another nap. I go to bed early. 

Day 17: It's a rainy Monday. I'm annoyed. And I make some dumb mistakes, like scheduling a meeting at a coffee shop only to arrive and discover it's closed on Mondays, or nearly rear-ending a parked car as I pull out of my parking space. But it's OK, because I know it's just "one of those days" that we all have, and it's NOT because I'm dealing with after effects of a hangover, which means I don't feel guilty or ashamed, and I know tomorrow really will be different. I blog. I treat myself to a brownie that evening, even though it puts me over my Weight Watchers points for the day. Because I can, and it won't make me feel fat or bloated, because it's not alcohol or the binge eating that sometimes accompanies it.

Day 18: Getting ready for work, I notice that my clothes are fitting better. Including my bra and underwear. I feel like my face has thinned a bit, at least to me. I go live with the blog.

Day 21: Well damn if an intense craving does not hit me as I leave for work. It's sunny. It's warm. It's perfect patio weather.... I can feel the pricks of panic. And I am no more in the zone that feels good. I can feel myself entering more of a frenzy. The cognitive dissonance kicks in. A strong desire to stick to my pledge and remain sober competes with a growing desire to have "just one glass." It's a mind and body at war with itself. Now, I had already planned out what I was going to do this Thursday evening: pick up the library book on blogging, do some sort of exercise, and make a healthy dinner. I text my girlfriend that I'm feeling a craving; she responds that I can stay strong. I call my boyfriend (as we had discussed if I felt a craving) as I continue to make my way to the library. I don't tell him about the craving though. I don't know why: maybe I am feeling guilty? Maybe I am providing myself cover in case I do slip... I spend a bit longer at the library than I intended. And sure enough, the craving begins to subside, just a little. Still, I make sure my route home does not go by one of my fave wine spots. As I turn the key in the lock of my front door, my whole body relaxes. I have made it. I am out of the danger zone. I realize in the end, it was about 25 minutes of some pretty intense stress, and I can handle it. And even though it really sucked to concentrate on the stress of wanting to and NOT wanting to give in, I realize that engaging in the thoughts, and making the hard choice to just make it home to regroup, works. At other times when I was trying to maintain sobriety, I'd reach this point and immediately just go to auto-pilot. I'd turn off my mind and head to the bar, because I just couldn't stand that inner noise. This time, I did not turn off that inner clamor, I was right there in it. When I make it home, I tweak my plans a bit. I do yoga instead of cardio because I need to bring my energy level down, not up. I treat myself to a frozen pizza because damn, that was a close call and this is how I will celebrate that small win. I know that because I resisted this time, that the next time a craving hits-- because it will hit again, until my subconscious has healed--I will not experience that same sense of panic. And I am grateful for that.

By the end of Week Three: I'm just grateful. It's the end of Week Three. And I am still sober.

Getting to 30, Week Two

Back to those beautiful basics....

Motivational messages from my tracker

Day 10: Start my work week on time, and feeling less bloated. Though I have developed a bad cold.... another outcome of that last binge? Maybe. Whatever it is, my eyes need relief so I decide to remove my makeup--first time ever being at work without it, in 11 years! But I don't have bags under my eyes, or "face bloat" so I actually feel OK with this decision. After work, head back to Dayton to help my sister with the twins. Still dealing with the cold, but it's more manageable than a hangover!

Day 11: Spend day with sister and twins: happy heart. Go to my therapist in evening and unload the work stress. Does work contribute to my problem drinking? Most definitely, and has for at least two years. Is it a toxic place for me? Possibly. But I won't know the true shape of the situation/problem if I do not gain some sobriety and thus perspective. I let go of some of the guilt & shame carried around from previous week about my behavior. A bit more relief.

Day 13: My Beginners Blogging workshop! Healthy activities that are actually need-meeting, unlike Happy Hours, which make sure my needs aren't met, but actively ignored (how many workouts did I miss "for one more glass" or bad food choices made or hours of sleep foregone... I couldn't possibly count.). Feeling good about my choices and proud of myself. Am I really going to take this plunge and start a blog? Could I expose myself in such a way? I think about how we can often confuse being vulnerable with being at risk, and therefor fear vulnerability... or associate it with weakness. But one of the best lessons I learned in my longer sobriety time was that vulnerability was actually OK, and many good things can come from it... And then I remember how many valuable lessons got obscured when I started drinking again. But I am here now.

Day 15: Wake early and go to yoga recovery class, and it feels good to release some of these "issues in my tissues." It's a beautiful (and hot!) day that I spend with my brother. We hit a craft fair and our favorite German Village spots: Staufs, Golden Hobby, and Book Loft. Got several Christmas gifts, and some "just because" gifts for my nieces, and a small treat for myself. Best part? I don't even have to think twice about spending it. Money spent on coffee, food, and gifts: $124. Exactly what I spent on my last- ever binge.  I reflect that such a successful shopping day just a few weeks ago would have been a reason to drink, in an attempt to keep the good times rolling, even though by the end of it I am physically tired and due for some relaxation. I would have pushed myself, ignoring my tiredness. Instead, I go home, open a book, and take a small nap before dinner.

By the end of Week Two: I've made every appointment or meeting I have scheduled-- no cancellations! Showing up feels good. And I am finally sleeping better: back to my normal routine which includes being in bed by 9:30 to read and listen to Reiki. Lights out by 10:00. I have a more peaceful mind and do not need the Tylenol PM. I also have no more night sweats, which I am sure are part of being hungover-- a body out of balance. And though there have been moments of frustration and discontent with work, I am managing. I am definitely not exacerbating the situation with the stress of alcohol entering and leaving my body. 

Getting to 30, Week One

A diary of my first 30 sober days...

Day 1-3: The hangover. For me, these last 3 days....and I know I will feel like shit mentally and emotionally moreso than physically. Basically, I just shut down. I have no energy. It all sucks.

Day 1 falls on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend... I made such big plans for this weekend with my boyfriend... On this latest drinking episode, I have wasted so much time and energy and money. Money spent on Uber, drinks, food, etc.: $120 

And those Big Plans I had made with my boyfriend for the holiday weekend?

I did not make the final performance of Rhythm on the River Friday eve, which was BalletMet.

I did not make my favorite farmer's market Saturday morning, or my yoga class. 

I did not make church or the Sunday evening Shadowbox Live performance at the Columbus Commons, which was a tribute to Prince and David Bowie.

I did not make a bike ride Monday, or visit home and see my newborn twin nieces, loves of my life. 

That's quite a long list of disappointment....

So, what do I do that weekend? Hide inside. I finally allow my boyfriend to come over, and we Netflix and chill. All weekend. Because I literally cannot muster the energy or will to leave my apartment. I vaguely consider that maybe I need to speak with my doc about dosage of my anxiety & depression meds, but I know the issue isn't with them. It's the alcohol that is in process of being purged from my body, and it can't happen fast enough. This process can actually take days, though. And don't I know that!

So what am I feeling? Emotionally: frustration, anxiety and sadness levels are very high. Physically: bloating, fatigue, lack of appetite, warm bordering on sweaty at times, with aches in my legs from lying on the couch for long periods of time. Because I sleep so much during these first days, I need sleeping pills at night to quiet my mind and soothe my aching legs.

I use the "I Am Sober" app to track

Day 4: I can tell the corner is approaching, that razor sharp corner between feeling slightly hungover and feeling sober. I start my day listening to my latest Audible recovery book: Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol. I usually listen to this every workday morning, while doing my hair. I get to work on time, though mentally fuzzy. Still taking sleeping pills at night. I hate how my clothes fit and I still feel super bloated and gross. But I also feel resolved. And I do hop on the stationary bike for 90 minutes that evening. My amends to my body for three full days of sloth. 

Day 5: First day of Spinning class for Fall session. Still feeling heavy but I sweat out the anxiety. Finally naturally tired in the evening, though I still take sleeping pills.

Day 6: I surprise my boyfriend with dinner and a movie. It is my small apology for keeping us cooped up in my apartment all holiday weekend. We go to Gateway Film Center, my favorite movie theater. The ticket taker tells us of a new event they're starting for 21+, where they bring the bar into the house theater, and he's the bar tender: we should totally check it out. A strong feeling of disappointment registers. Not because I "can't" go to this "new, hip event." But because once again, alcohol has hijacked an activity and space where it just has no business being.

It's already feeling like a long week, and we are both tired, but we have a great time. And I remember how sobriety makes space for generosity and grace.

Day 8: Drive to Dayton, my home, with my brother. Go to church, and am deeply moved by sermon (What is it you are listening for?) Hold my nieces. It's a good sober start to my weekend and I am grateful.

By the end of Week One, the mental fuzziness is just about gone. I clean, organize, exercise, and eat more balanced meals. I still feel bloated, but I know this feeling will fade, AS LONG AS I DON'T DRINK. And I don't. 

Getting to 30: Prelude

The "in between" before this 30... It counts!

I will be posting a brief diary of how I am getting to my first 30 days of sobriety, but the story of course does not start there. And I won't tell all of it here. It will be scattered throughout posts as thoughts and reflections and experiences come to me. But I do think it important to reflect on how I came to this new point in time, before I share this diary. 

I began really working recovery in the summer of 2015. At that time, it was under a period of considerable duress, and I really did not have any choice. But the external mandates for sobriety matched my own internal mandate to change my relationship with alcohol. I knew I had to figure this thing out. And I had known it for some time, but had never really made much of an effort (beyond a few AA meetings that I did not enjoy). I'd achieve a few weeks or a couple months of sobriety (for example, the summer of my cousin's wedding in 2012, and following the end of a relationship I thought would last forever. In fact, I just stopped drinking at family events completely.). 

But in 2014, I was 32. And life was not looking like I had pictured it. I had worked hard, earning two Masters' degrees. But I wasn't totally satisfied in my professional life, which really sucked because it was such a big part of my identity. It had been a few years since I'd had a meaningful relationship with a man, and the online dating scene was growing increasingly wearying. My finances were in a bit of disarray. I couldn't see how I could build a family and it felt like time was running out (and I was convinced it was something I'd have to do on my own...). I felt like I had just stalled out, and I knew alcohol was to blame. I just didn't understand all the many ways it was to blame, at that time. I thought it was me. Even though I knew myself to be smart and strong. So yeah, not a great place to be. 

From that summer of 2015 til August 2017 I embarked-- and was mostly successful--in my journey of recovery. I found alternatives to AA that I really enjoyed: Women for Sobriety, and Y12SR. I read memoirs and began to listen to podcasts (to this day, I only listen to podcasts of recovery). I tried new exercise classes. My finances became more stable and I paid down some debt. I can (and will) share more about this experience, because it was truly life changing. I experienced things, met people, and visited places I would never have imagined I would. And I am grateful for that. I should also be clear, however, that this period of time was by no means easy. In the beginning, most of it was downright terrifying. For a number of reasons I just don't want to share right now. 

But somewhere in the fall of 2017, I began to dis-connect a bit from the structure and routines I had set up. I began to reconsider drinking-- surely, it would be OK? I was feeling (and looking!) better than I had in years so I assumed that because I was mentally and emotionally better, this would mean alcohol would not have the same negative effects on me as before. So I dabbled. And I dated. And I got into a relationship that was well, just a bit blah. I knew it was not meant for long-term, but at the time I thought, hey, at least it's companionship (I know, I know). But it soon became clear that we just didn't have that much in common. We had different approaches to life, and lifestyles. Which is fine. Except that my drinking increased to keep pace with his and his friends. And I did not like that, but the alcohol trap can spring quick and hold tight. So I was stuck on stupid for six months. When we ended things, it was sad and disappointing, mostly because it was just another relationship that didn't work out. But the worst aspect was that damnit, I was back in the trap, and it just felt worse, more damaging, so much more out of control. Perhaps in part because I had tasted the good life for a good amount of time. Perhaps because Sober Me felt so distant. But she was not altogether silent, and that is how I am here today. Posting about these 30 days. And feeling really good about it all. Fortunately, from my last interval of sobriety, I know the resources and routines and relationships that I need and mostly, I know where to find them. And that is such a huge part of success: figuring out what these are and protecting them fiercely. In the summer of 2015, I was clueless and scared but determined to find things that would really connect with me. Thankfully, most of these resources and friends are still around and that is why this 30 feels so different, and yet, also familiar. 

My Y12SR group instructor shared that this is all part of our recovery story. The times we are sober, the times we are actively practicing recovery, and the times we may have in between. So my story does not begin with these "30" and it certainly will not end there. 

Easy Like Sunday Morning....

So. Much. Freedom. 

This summer has been so hot and humid, that I have not been on my bike as much as I would have liked (I admit, I'm a fair weather biker....). But this Sunday morning it is sunny, there's a slight, warm breeze, and I do not have a hangover. And so, no excuses: I must get on my bike! 

Frankin Park Conservatory in full bloom at end of summer

In 2017, when I had a good streak of sobriety going, there was nothing I liked more than Sunday morning rides. The streets were mostly empty of cars (especially those drivers who refuse to respect that bikes have every right to be on the road as they, but that is another post for a different blog...) so any route I took felt safe. When I came across people, it was other bikers or runners (or churchgoers... and when cruising down emptied city streets, and through city parks, that's a different kind of Church for me). And it felt like I was part of a special club, those folks who made the healthiest choice of all that weekend: to not drink. And in so choosing, got to take over the city for a few quiet hours every Sunday morning, even if we had to maneuver around the debris leftover from Saturday night's debauchery.

Today, I am here to shop, not to drink!

And as I pedaled through my city this morning, I happened upon a street market, Daylight Market on Gay Street. It has been awhile since I have been on Gay Street in the daytime... Trust, I have frequented its night spots plenty. And as I peruse the different offerings of the vendors who have set up shop, sipping on my iced coffee, there are of course folks on the patios of these night spots that have opened for brunch, morning drinking, and I just think, "thank God that is not me." 

And this gratitude and this feeling of freedom--that the day is mine and I can do anything with it!--never, ever gets old. I can vividly remember having those "Ahhhhhh" moments throughout that first experience of long(ish) sobriety, and the frequency with which they came. And I am so excited to experience them again! In expected and unexpected moments, just as I did on this Easy Sunday Morning.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

Blogging about sobriety... really?

Hell. Yes. And for so many reasons.... Because this is my own personal "rage against the alcohol machine" (or as Alan Carr refers to it, the "alcohol trap"). Because alcohol is devastation, and as a maturing woman who was ensnared in the trap for almost 2 decades, I spent literally tens of thousands of dollars chasing a lie (and paying dearly for the consequences of this chase). Because alcohol is still a HUGE killer of people; it's killed (and nearly killed) people in my own family. A recent article in Governing magazine reflects my mounting frustration with our lack of a national reckoning with the truth of alcohol, even as we are devoting attention (and rightly so) to an opioid epidemic, that while tragic, still hasn't reached the levels of our alcohol epidemic: "The recent increase in alcohol-related deaths from chronic health problems is part of a new picture emerging about alcohol’s negative impacts on American life. While public officials are united in the fight against opioids, they are struggling to adjust their strategy toward a substance that is legal, widely available and increasingly popular among American consumers."

Of course I understand why some (many) of us (public officials included) struggle to adjust to this reality. Alcohol is everywhere. It's legal and it's widely used. There are so many cultural norms wrapped up in its use, so much money thrown into making you believe you need and deserve it, and so much mis-information about its effects (spoiler alert: there is no safe level of consumption....), that it's hard to imagine a different reality. I get it. I bought into it. More on this later.And because I'm tired of it hijacking every single activity (Vino Vinyasa, really?! There's sooooo much deeply concerning with this "fitness trend" and the messaging around it...), hobby, event, space, etc.. You name it, alcohol (and its peddlers) has tried to claim it.... I'm tired of the messaging: that people-- especially women-- need wine  to unwind, to parent, to read, to connect, to exercise, to study, to mourn, to celebrate, to shop (even grocery shop!), to ANYTHING.

[Side rant: I also recently discovered that there are places devoted to re-hydrating folks through IVs. Now, these places do offer hydration services for athletes and jet lag... but then there's also this $99 hangover cure (among others). This seems like pure insanity to me.....If you are using this service for this malady, there may be bigger questions you need to ask yourself. Just sayin'.]

Because really, there aren't enough blogs (or any other form of media) about sobriety. And how perfectly fine (even rockstar) it is to not drink, regardless of how you get to that point. Maybe you never drank. Maybe you consider yourself in recovery. Maybe you have a very occasional drink. Maybe you find yourself cycling on and off "the wagon". Maybe you are just considering non-drinking as an option to explore. How did I get to this point? Well, I will share some of my story in the blogs that follow. How much of it? I don't know! Depends on the day, my mood, and whether anyone actually reads this!

OK. So what do I hope to do with this blog (besides rant)... In the rooms, they refer to sharing as offering "experience, strength, and hope." Here (I hope) you'll find stories of recovery, reflections on recovery readings & programs as I've experienced them, sobriety tips, and maybe even lifestyle pieces related to living your best life, outside of the alcohol trap. From the perspective of a mid-30s woman living in a medium-sized Midwestern city, and committed to navigating these city streets and spaces free of alcohol despite all the best marketing and ads and social cues telling me that doing so is, in fact, not possible or desirable or sociable or sexy. In my own small way, I want to contribute to normalizing not drinking. Because yeah, the health & happiness of our society ultimately rests on it. 

Full disclosure: I am not adept with the whole social media thing, so yeah, don't expect highly curated photos! I am (re)newly starting this journey. And this is scary. And exciting. I read somewhere that change happens at the edge of my comfort zone. So here we go. Progress, not perfection y'all.