Getting to 30: Prelude

The "in between" before this 30... It counts!

I will be posting a brief diary of how I am getting to my first 30 days of sobriety, but the story of course does not start there. And I won't tell all of it here. It will be scattered throughout posts as thoughts and reflections and experiences come to me. But I do think it important to reflect on how I came to this new point in time, before I share this diary. 

I began really working recovery in the summer of 2015. At that time, it was under a period of considerable duress, and I really did not have any choice. But the external mandates for sobriety matched my own internal mandate to change my relationship with alcohol. I knew I had to figure this thing out. And I had known it for some time, but had never really made much of an effort (beyond a few AA meetings that I did not enjoy). I'd achieve a few weeks or a couple months of sobriety (for example, the summer of my cousin's wedding in 2012, and following the end of a relationship I thought would last forever. In fact, I just stopped drinking at family events completely.). 

But in 2014, I was 32. And life was not looking like I had pictured it. I had worked hard, earning two Masters' degrees. But I wasn't totally satisfied in my professional life, which really sucked because it was such a big part of my identity. It had been a few years since I'd had a meaningful relationship with a man, and the online dating scene was growing increasingly wearying. My finances were in a bit of disarray. I couldn't see how I could build a family and it felt like time was running out (and I was convinced it was something I'd have to do on my own...). I felt like I had just stalled out, and I knew alcohol was to blame. I just didn't understand all the many ways it was to blame, at that time. I thought it was me. Even though I knew myself to be smart and strong. So yeah, not a great place to be. 

From that summer of 2015 til August 2017 I embarked-- and was mostly successful--in my journey of recovery. I found alternatives to AA that I really enjoyed: Women for Sobriety, and Y12SR. I read memoirs and began to listen to podcasts (to this day, I only listen to podcasts of recovery). I tried new exercise classes. My finances became more stable and I paid down some debt. I can (and will) share more about this experience, because it was truly life changing. I experienced things, met people, and visited places I would never have imagined I would. And I am grateful for that. I should also be clear, however, that this period of time was by no means easy. In the beginning, most of it was downright terrifying. For a number of reasons I just don't want to share right now. 

But somewhere in the fall of 2017, I began to dis-connect a bit from the structure and routines I had set up. I began to reconsider drinking-- surely, it would be OK? I was feeling (and looking!) better than I had in years so I assumed that because I was mentally and emotionally better, this would mean alcohol would not have the same negative effects on me as before. So I dabbled. And I dated. And I got into a relationship that was well, just a bit blah. I knew it was not meant for long-term, but at the time I thought, hey, at least it's companionship (I know, I know). But it soon became clear that we just didn't have that much in common. We had different approaches to life, and lifestyles. Which is fine. Except that my drinking increased to keep pace with his and his friends. And I did not like that, but the alcohol trap can spring quick and hold tight. So I was stuck on stupid for six months. When we ended things, it was sad and disappointing, mostly because it was just another relationship that didn't work out. But the worst aspect was that damnit, I was back in the trap, and it just felt worse, more damaging, so much more out of control. Perhaps in part because I had tasted the good life for a good amount of time. Perhaps because Sober Me felt so distant. But she was not altogether silent, and that is how I am here today. Posting about these 30 days. And feeling really good about it all. Fortunately, from my last interval of sobriety, I know the resources and routines and relationships that I need and mostly, I know where to find them. And that is such a huge part of success: figuring out what these are and protecting them fiercely. In the summer of 2015, I was clueless and scared but determined to find things that would really connect with me. Thankfully, most of these resources and friends are still around and that is why this 30 feels so different, and yet, also familiar. 

My Y12SR group instructor shared that this is all part of our recovery story. The times we are sober, the times we are actively practicing recovery, and the times we may have in between. So my story does not begin with these "30" and it certainly will not end there.