Recovering from Recovery? Yes, it's a thing...

I'm approaching 2 months of a renewed focus on sobriety and recovery. It feels both like that time has passed quickly, and like that's a big number: 60 days. On the whole, it has been a great rediscovery of the joys of sobriety. And, along the way, as I've mentioned before, I've experienced second comings of old "Aha!" moments, those lessons and insights from my recovery journey 1.0.

For example, recently, there were two weekends in a row I felt so off. Actually, I felt hungover, but without the alcohol. Which was a surreal experience in itself. I did the same things I described in a previous post of hunkering down on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and food, taking hours-long naps. Alone. I had no energy, and no idea why I felt the way I did, especially when the weekdays preceding these weekends were great! One week even included a working vacation to Pittsburgh with my boyfriend! So why so lackluster?

It wasn't until a conversation with my boyfriend that I understood the why. He was beginning to feel hurt that I was shutting myself up in my apartment, alone. I am an introvert, and naturally need some alone time to decompress and restore myself, but we both could sense that this was not what was going on. And as we were talking, I started sharing how it takes time to adapt to changes in routine, even when they are positive changes leading to healthier routines. It's still a change in how I am moving through my day and my world. Small wonder then that there were days I just felt exhausted.

These changes are happening on every level-- physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It is a lot to process! At times, it even feels like sensory overload. Because I am much more present and attuned to what is going on around me and within me. I am engaged, fully, even in moments or situations I don't necessarily wish I was engaged with! And for those of us who have used substances to alter the reality we engage with--either to escape or to enhance it--this new awareness can at times overwhelm.

For example, I have been more physically active, literally covering more ground, these last couple months than I had in the several months preceding, likely even year! I have added 30 minutes of walking breaks into every work day (or as close to that as I can manage). These breaks are in addition to focused exercise I do 4-5 days a week of at least 40 minutes (which includes two new 60- minute exercise classes I enrolled in). I have traveled to Dayton several times these last two months, visiting my sweet nieces, spent almost a week in Pittsburgh at a conference for work, made a day trip to Cleveland... and more.

Hello Pittsburgh! Hello Cleveland!

So yes. I shut down two weekends. And while it did not feel good in those moments, and it was very confusing at the time, I understand why now. Adjusting to this new routine can and will exhaust me. I also know that this period of adjustment will give way to normalcy. Now that I am newly aware of this fact, I can make choices for recovering in my recovery that will really soothe me, instead of "numbing out" through bingeing on food and tv. I can be patient and kind with myself.

But first, sobriety

Tracking what counts

I've been re-reading books that helped me with my first extended experience of sobriety, and diaries from that time. One of these is Jack Canfield's and Dave Andrew's book, The 30-Day Sobriety Solution. It's a 30-day action plan for achieving sobriety or at least, changing your relationship with alcohol. Each day there are action steps to complete (and honestly, these are good life action steps, not just relevant to recovery from a substance!). I'm re-doing these (though not every day as recommended, admittedly). Previously, I had read to Day 17.

One of my go-to books

It's reminding me that in this moment in time, I have to keep sobriety my priority. And this can be hard to do. Because as I gain more days sober, and my energy levels pick up and I experience natural highs (without the devastating lows of problematic drinking!), I feel so MOTIVATED. (For me, this can also translate to impatience....something else I will be working on managing!) I am not only feeling motivated and energized, but I actually also believe that I can achieve these other goals! Such as a new job, weight loss, starting a blog... And it has been awhile since my confidence levels were so good, for such a sustained period of time.

Let's take weight loss. I joined Weight Watchers in May ahead of an all-expense paid vacation to Miami Beach with my sister in early June (thank you Johnson & Johnson!). When the vacation time came around, I had abstained from alcohol for almost 3 weeks, and so I was feeling physically OK, though not as good as I had hoped. And boy was I unrelenting (in my head, of course)-- beating myself up about not losing the 5-7 pounds I had wanted to (such a small goal!) and remembering how I had looked, in my previous recovery. In 2017, when I had a lot of sobriety under my belt, I had lost about 30 pounds. I looked great. It was so amazing to just step into my closet and put on whatever I wanted because the clothes all fit! It was like I had gone on some shopping spree because I had been able to wear clothes I hadn't been able to for over a year. But as I gradually re-introduced alcohol into my life, which unsurprisingly coincided with more depression/anxiety (i.e. less motivation), I gained it back. And that felt so terrible. Not just physically painful, but emotionally. It was really hard to look at pictures of me in those days... because they brought a lot of embarrassment and shame.

[Side note: I've also started reading Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking, what author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema refers to as a toxic triangle women can find themselves in. I can totally relate. I'll review when finished.]

Happiness on a plate. Pancakes @ Pam's Diner
Pittsburgh PA October 2018

Well, it doesn't make much sense to pay for a weight loss program and to keep drinking. Even in very moderate amounts. How many happy hours extend into dinner and unhealthy food choices? (Or, no food, just more alcohol!) So now I've given up the booze, and I'm still counting my points. But I'm not allowing myself to obsess with the points as I had been even a few weeks ago because I no longer have to balance out the effects of alcohol and missed exercising or poor food choices.

Now, I generally stay within my points every day. But I allow myself a treat and don't sweat it (hell, I might not even log it! Scandalous, I know. I also haven't weighed myself since I re-started. I'm just going by how I feel. This is also part of keeping sobriety first.). Because it's still a better choice than alcohol. And I also know that, just as before, the longer I go without alcohol, the healthier my body becomes. And that will translate into weight loss. Not just because I'm no longer ingesting copious amounts of calories and sugar, but because I have the energy to exercise. I have the confidence to try new classes. Even better, if I just need a day to veg, I don't feel guilty! I can "afford" an "off" day. (And really, my goal is to move away from that type of thinking entirely, but one thing at a time!)

And all of this just makes sobriety feel good. I. Feel. Good. Even when I feel bad! Or lazy. Or whatever! So, sobriety first, yes. But it's also amazing all the things that will naturally flow from that one healthy choice that you won't even really have to think about, let alone stress about.

Getting to 30: Week Four

At last, Week Four. It starts out pretty much the same as last week. I'm tracking my points. Doing my recovery readings or podcasts. Getting in my exercise and meeting my daily steps goals. I've hit my rhythm and it feels good.

Day 29: brother and I go to a "Loud n Proud" Launch party at Columbus Museum of Art, where we are given 2 drink tickets immediately. Now here, it really does look like everyone has a drink in their hand! And a very tiny part of me is like "Damn, no wine for me... and it's free!" Though I know I am not going to give in. Partly because I am with my brother and he knows what I am doing with sobriety and I could not disappoint him or myself. But I also marvel that I do not have the same type of craving that hit me the previous week. Which is odd. Because this is definitely the type of event where I would have loved a glass of wine, feeling so sophisticated... It is a crisp fall evening, the museum is open after-hours, folks are dressed up a bit, servers mingle with yummy appetizers. So Brother and I walk around, catching bits of conversation, watching artists paint real time. We run into his colleague and chat for a bit. And I leave after an hour... I've seen all there is to see--it's really just people drinking and  mingling. And I realize that I've had my fill. Time to carry on with my evening.

Day 30: I get my 1 month notice on my Sober app. And even though I know I am at day 30, to receive that notification really moves me in a way I am not expecting. I did it-- a full 30 days without a single drop. It has been a while since that happened, likely last Fall if I am remembering correctly. And I consider the Saturday I have planned out for myself: a hair appointment, a manicure, and a little shopping for a conference I'm attending in Pittsburgh next week. What a wonderful way to celebrate--a day full of self-care and pampering. I get to the store and fit into a smaller size dress and shirt than the last time I went shopping--a lot can change in 30 days. I head on to the nail salon, where I am offered free wine... <sigh>. Twice this week I have been presented with free alcohol, which admittedly has been frustrating: free booze thrown at me two days in a row--what's this about?!

Eckhart Tolle says the universe will give us whatever experience we need to help the evolution of our consciousness; how do we know this is the experience we need? Because this is the one we are having. So I think OK, I hear ya: it's just another opportunity to flex my resolve. To practice making that conscious choice to move towards health and wellness. And I seriously consider a glass of wine, but not consider in the sense of actually having a drink, but in the sense of, "wow, would I really want to be "that girl" drinking mid-afternoon at a nail salon where I am clearly alone?" And I know that others would have accepted the offer and it would seem like a completely natural response. But for me, the gig is up. I've heard it said ignorance is bliss only if there are no solutions or alternatives, and I think it applies in this situation. When it comes to alcohol, there is no more ignorance.

One last gift to me: flowers. Hello again, 30 Days.

 

Getting to 30, Week Three

A Near Miss....

Parts of my Recovery Toolkit

Beginning of Week Three: In general, I am sleeping without aid! The bloating is no more. And yes, I just feel different in my body! I have energy. Ideas for work, for personal stuff, for anything, are flowing freely. I feel in the zone. And I love that feeling. I knew I would get here, I knew it would take several days, but it's arrived. Still starting each morning listening to my Audible recovery book.

Day 16: It's Sunday. It's another gorgeous day, and not as hot. I hop on my bike in the AM and pedal for an hour. It feels good. I stop for an iced coffee. I do not get winded because there is no residue cigarette smoke in my lungs. I put up my fall decorations. I read in the afternoon and take another nap. I go to bed early. 

Day 17: It's a rainy Monday. I'm annoyed. And I make some dumb mistakes, like scheduling a meeting at a coffee shop only to arrive and discover it's closed on Mondays, or nearly rear-ending a parked car as I pull out of my parking space. But it's OK, because I know it's just "one of those days" that we all have, and it's NOT because I'm dealing with after effects of a hangover, which means I don't feel guilty or ashamed, and I know tomorrow really will be different. I blog. I treat myself to a brownie that evening, even though it puts me over my Weight Watchers points for the day. Because I can, and it won't make me feel fat or bloated, because it's not alcohol or the binge eating that sometimes accompanies it.

Day 18: Getting ready for work, I notice that my clothes are fitting better. Including my bra and underwear. I feel like my face has thinned a bit, at least to me. I go live with the blog.

Day 21: Well damn if an intense craving does not hit me as I leave for work. It's sunny. It's warm. It's perfect patio weather.... I can feel the pricks of panic. And I am no more in the zone that feels good. I can feel myself entering more of a frenzy. The cognitive dissonance kicks in. A strong desire to stick to my pledge and remain sober competes with a growing desire to have "just one glass." It's a mind and body at war with itself. Now, I had already planned out what I was going to do this Thursday evening: pick up the library book on blogging, do some sort of exercise, and make a healthy dinner. I text my girlfriend that I'm feeling a craving; she responds that I can stay strong. I call my boyfriend (as we had discussed if I felt a craving) as I continue to make my way to the library. I don't tell him about the craving though. I don't know why: maybe I am feeling guilty? Maybe I am providing myself cover in case I do slip... I spend a bit longer at the library than I intended. And sure enough, the craving begins to subside, just a little. Still, I make sure my route home does not go by one of my fave wine spots. As I turn the key in the lock of my front door, my whole body relaxes. I have made it. I am out of the danger zone. I realize in the end, it was about 25 minutes of some pretty intense stress, and I can handle it. And even though it really sucked to concentrate on the stress of wanting to and NOT wanting to give in, I realize that engaging in the thoughts, and making the hard choice to just make it home to regroup, works. At other times when I was trying to maintain sobriety, I'd reach this point and immediately just go to auto-pilot. I'd turn off my mind and head to the bar, because I just couldn't stand that inner noise. This time, I did not turn off that inner clamor, I was right there in it. When I make it home, I tweak my plans a bit. I do yoga instead of cardio because I need to bring my energy level down, not up. I treat myself to a frozen pizza because damn, that was a close call and this is how I will celebrate that small win. I know that because I resisted this time, that the next time a craving hits-- because it will hit again, until my subconscious has healed--I will not experience that same sense of panic. And I am grateful for that.

By the end of Week Three: I'm just grateful. It's the end of Week Three. And I am still sober.

Getting to 30, Week Two

Back to those beautiful basics....

Motivational messages from my tracker

Day 10: Start my work week on time, and feeling less bloated. Though I have developed a bad cold.... another outcome of that last binge? Maybe. Whatever it is, my eyes need relief so I decide to remove my makeup--first time ever being at work without it, in 11 years! But I don't have bags under my eyes, or "face bloat" so I actually feel OK with this decision. After work, head back to Dayton to help my sister with the twins. Still dealing with the cold, but it's more manageable than a hangover!

Day 11: Spend day with sister and twins: happy heart. Go to my therapist in evening and unload the work stress. Does work contribute to my problem drinking? Most definitely, and has for at least two years. Is it a toxic place for me? Possibly. But I won't know the true shape of the situation/problem if I do not gain some sobriety and thus perspective. I let go of some of the guilt & shame carried around from previous week about my behavior. A bit more relief.

Day 13: My Beginners Blogging workshop! Healthy activities that are actually need-meeting, unlike Happy Hours, which make sure my needs aren't met, but actively ignored (how many workouts did I miss "for one more glass" or bad food choices made or hours of sleep foregone... I couldn't possibly count.). Feeling good about my choices and proud of myself. Am I really going to take this plunge and start a blog? Could I expose myself in such a way? I think about how we can often confuse being vulnerable with being at risk, and therefor fear vulnerability... or associate it with weakness. But one of the best lessons I learned in my longer sobriety time was that vulnerability was actually OK, and many good things can come from it... And then I remember how many valuable lessons got obscured when I started drinking again. But I am here now.

Day 15: Wake early and go to yoga recovery class, and it feels good to release some of these "issues in my tissues." It's a beautiful (and hot!) day that I spend with my brother. We hit a craft fair and our favorite German Village spots: Staufs, Golden Hobby, and Book Loft. Got several Christmas gifts, and some "just because" gifts for my nieces, and a small treat for myself. Best part? I don't even have to think twice about spending it. Money spent on coffee, food, and gifts: $124. Exactly what I spent on my last- ever binge.  I reflect that such a successful shopping day just a few weeks ago would have been a reason to drink, in an attempt to keep the good times rolling, even though by the end of it I am physically tired and due for some relaxation. I would have pushed myself, ignoring my tiredness. Instead, I go home, open a book, and take a small nap before dinner.

By the end of Week Two: I've made every appointment or meeting I have scheduled-- no cancellations! Showing up feels good. And I am finally sleeping better: back to my normal routine which includes being in bed by 9:30 to read and listen to Reiki. Lights out by 10:00. I have a more peaceful mind and do not need the Tylenol PM. I also have no more night sweats, which I am sure are part of being hungover-- a body out of balance. And though there have been moments of frustration and discontent with work, I am managing. I am definitely not exacerbating the situation with the stress of alcohol entering and leaving my body. 

Getting to 30, Week One

A diary of my first 30 sober days...

Day 1-3: The hangover. For me, these last 3 days....and I know I will feel like shit mentally and emotionally moreso than physically. Basically, I just shut down. I have no energy. It all sucks.

Day 1 falls on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend... I made such big plans for this weekend with my boyfriend... On this latest drinking episode, I have wasted so much time and energy and money. Money spent on Uber, drinks, food, etc.: $120 

And those Big Plans I had made with my boyfriend for the holiday weekend?

I did not make the final performance of Rhythm on the River Friday eve, which was BalletMet.

I did not make my favorite farmer's market Saturday morning, or my yoga class. 

I did not make church or the Sunday evening Shadowbox Live performance at the Columbus Commons, which was a tribute to Prince and David Bowie.

I did not make a bike ride Monday, or visit home and see my newborn twin nieces, loves of my life. 

That's quite a long list of disappointment....

So, what do I do that weekend? Hide inside. I finally allow my boyfriend to come over, and we Netflix and chill. All weekend. Because I literally cannot muster the energy or will to leave my apartment. I vaguely consider that maybe I need to speak with my doc about dosage of my anxiety & depression meds, but I know the issue isn't with them. It's the alcohol that is in process of being purged from my body, and it can't happen fast enough. This process can actually take days, though. And don't I know that!

So what am I feeling? Emotionally: frustration, anxiety and sadness levels are very high. Physically: bloating, fatigue, lack of appetite, warm bordering on sweaty at times, with aches in my legs from lying on the couch for long periods of time. Because I sleep so much during these first days, I need sleeping pills at night to quiet my mind and soothe my aching legs.

I use the "I Am Sober" app to track

Day 4: I can tell the corner is approaching, that razor sharp corner between feeling slightly hungover and feeling sober. I start my day listening to my latest Audible recovery book: Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol. I usually listen to this every workday morning, while doing my hair. I get to work on time, though mentally fuzzy. Still taking sleeping pills at night. I hate how my clothes fit and I still feel super bloated and gross. But I also feel resolved. And I do hop on the stationary bike for 90 minutes that evening. My amends to my body for three full days of sloth. 

Day 5: First day of Spinning class for Fall session. Still feeling heavy but I sweat out the anxiety. Finally naturally tired in the evening, though I still take sleeping pills.

Day 6: I surprise my boyfriend with dinner and a movie. It is my small apology for keeping us cooped up in my apartment all holiday weekend. We go to Gateway Film Center, my favorite movie theater. The ticket taker tells us of a new event they're starting for 21+, where they bring the bar into the house theater, and he's the bar tender: we should totally check it out. A strong feeling of disappointment registers. Not because I "can't" go to this "new, hip event." But because once again, alcohol has hijacked an activity and space where it just has no business being.

It's already feeling like a long week, and we are both tired, but we have a great time. And I remember how sobriety makes space for generosity and grace.

Day 8: Drive to Dayton, my home, with my brother. Go to church, and am deeply moved by sermon (What is it you are listening for?) Hold my nieces. It's a good sober start to my weekend and I am grateful.

By the end of Week One, the mental fuzziness is just about gone. I clean, organize, exercise, and eat more balanced meals. I still feel bloated, but I know this feeling will fade, AS LONG AS I DON'T DRINK. And I don't. 

Getting to 30: Prelude

The "in between" before this 30... It counts!

I will be posting a brief diary of how I am getting to my first 30 days of sobriety, but the story of course does not start there. And I won't tell all of it here. It will be scattered throughout posts as thoughts and reflections and experiences come to me. But I do think it important to reflect on how I came to this new point in time, before I share this diary. 

I began really working recovery in the summer of 2015. At that time, it was under a period of considerable duress, and I really did not have any choice. But the external mandates for sobriety matched my own internal mandate to change my relationship with alcohol. I knew I had to figure this thing out. And I had known it for some time, but had never really made much of an effort (beyond a few AA meetings that I did not enjoy). I'd achieve a few weeks or a couple months of sobriety (for example, the summer of my cousin's wedding in 2012, and following the end of a relationship I thought would last forever. In fact, I just stopped drinking at family events completely.). 

But in 2014, I was 32. And life was not looking like I had pictured it. I had worked hard, earning two Masters' degrees. But I wasn't totally satisfied in my professional life, which really sucked because it was such a big part of my identity. It had been a few years since I'd had a meaningful relationship with a man, and the online dating scene was growing increasingly wearying. My finances were in a bit of disarray. I couldn't see how I could build a family and it felt like time was running out (and I was convinced it was something I'd have to do on my own...). I felt like I had just stalled out, and I knew alcohol was to blame. I just didn't understand all the many ways it was to blame, at that time. I thought it was me. Even though I knew myself to be smart and strong. So yeah, not a great place to be. 

From that summer of 2015 til August 2017 I embarked-- and was mostly successful--in my journey of recovery. I found alternatives to AA that I really enjoyed: Women for Sobriety, and Y12SR. I read memoirs and began to listen to podcasts (to this day, I only listen to podcasts of recovery). I tried new exercise classes. My finances became more stable and I paid down some debt. I can (and will) share more about this experience, because it was truly life changing. I experienced things, met people, and visited places I would never have imagined I would. And I am grateful for that. I should also be clear, however, that this period of time was by no means easy. In the beginning, most of it was downright terrifying. For a number of reasons I just don't want to share right now. 

But somewhere in the fall of 2017, I began to dis-connect a bit from the structure and routines I had set up. I began to reconsider drinking-- surely, it would be OK? I was feeling (and looking!) better than I had in years so I assumed that because I was mentally and emotionally better, this would mean alcohol would not have the same negative effects on me as before. So I dabbled. And I dated. And I got into a relationship that was well, just a bit blah. I knew it was not meant for long-term, but at the time I thought, hey, at least it's companionship (I know, I know). But it soon became clear that we just didn't have that much in common. We had different approaches to life, and lifestyles. Which is fine. Except that my drinking increased to keep pace with his and his friends. And I did not like that, but the alcohol trap can spring quick and hold tight. So I was stuck on stupid for six months. When we ended things, it was sad and disappointing, mostly because it was just another relationship that didn't work out. But the worst aspect was that damnit, I was back in the trap, and it just felt worse, more damaging, so much more out of control. Perhaps in part because I had tasted the good life for a good amount of time. Perhaps because Sober Me felt so distant. But she was not altogether silent, and that is how I am here today. Posting about these 30 days. And feeling really good about it all. Fortunately, from my last interval of sobriety, I know the resources and routines and relationships that I need and mostly, I know where to find them. And that is such a huge part of success: figuring out what these are and protecting them fiercely. In the summer of 2015, I was clueless and scared but determined to find things that would really connect with me. Thankfully, most of these resources and friends are still around and that is why this 30 feels so different, and yet, also familiar. 

My Y12SR group instructor shared that this is all part of our recovery story. The times we are sober, the times we are actively practicing recovery, and the times we may have in between. So my story does not begin with these "30" and it certainly will not end there.