Reflection on cravings

I have a note I keep in my car, just in case I am hit with a craving if I'm out and about... say, if "happy hour" suddenly sounds like the best way to end my day at work. Or if I'm out for food and see folks gathered 'round tables littered with empty pint and wine glasses, laughing, and suddenly my carry-out order and quiet apartment are no longer appealing. Or if I find myself behind that guy at the supermarket who has a couple of craft beer six packs in his cart, and I wonder what party he is going to--is there a game on? Are they cooking out? Will there be a campfire?

When I arrive at that "choice point" that every craving brings, my note reminds me to consider: will this action take me towards my goals, or away? Am I willing to sacrifice long-term happiness and health for the short-term relief of drinking, of giving into that craving?

I read this note, and (usually) remember just how short that relief is, and just how long the consequences from choosing that relief can be. Have been. Are.

That relief from those first few sips actually is mere seconds. One. Two. Three.

Fleeting.

Those consequences? They are the stuff of regret. Shame. Guilt. Some of them have lasted years. Some of them are irredeemable. None of them are fleeting.

Losing, to Find...

Almost two weeks ago, I lost my job. It's still unreal. It's hugely terrifying, and hugely relieving. Terrifying because I am a single-income household with no real financial assets to draw upon. A theme that figures prominently in the advocacy work that I do, ironically enough. (It took me almost a year to save $700 that I had earmarked for a mutual fund. Now I don't know if I will meet that goal).

It's also hugely relieving because I can Let. It. Go. The indecision of when it would be the "right" time or opportunity to move on is taken out of my hands, and yes, there's relief in that. It clarifies things: I am moving forward. Decision made.

Environment + Response= Outcome (E+R=O)

That simple, logical equation. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your response to an environment or event. For the last couple of years, I have tried to change my (at times, problematic) Response to a toxic work Environment. But regardless of what I tried, the Outcome never really seemed to improve. I became increasingly disconnected as a result. And also increasingly convinced that the thing that really needed to change in that equation was the Environment, period. As in, get the f* out of Dodge. But I felt immobilized.

But now! Now I am freed from that environment. And although this freedom is not without pain or fear (there are plenty of moments in a day where I can feel panic rising), I also feel like there are new opportunities for me to engage in new Environments that make activating a healthy Response easier.

In the week following the news, however, I lost sight of that half way through. The end of that week included 2 days of straight up sleep, all day. Uncompassionate thoughts about myself and my value. A missed spinning class. No blogging. An irreparable breach with my now-ex boyfriend. I didn't necessarily show up for myself in the ways I'd have liked. By the end of the week, I felt pretty damn low.

But that wasn't my entire response, and it's important to remember the ways that I did show up for myself. I made it to my Y12SR meeting, and an additional yoga class. I reached out to my sobriety network for extra support. I snagged a part time job that I am excited about. I submitted applications to new job opportunities, including some I may not have applied for under other circumstances, but for which I am qualified and that do support my professional passions. I spent time with my family. And I received incredible support and kindness from my professional network.

During this time, I found my way to Laura McKowen's 6 mantras for early sobriety, and have been reflecting on the first one: I have one job. Ironic right? (Check out a similar post I wrote on "sobriety first.") I have one job: save myself. In all the ways that matter: physically, mentally, emotionally. For me, because so much of my identity is tied to my professional identity, this also means finding a job I can show up to with joy. Not the resignation and resentments I showed up with for 2 years at this last job. I have done enough of that. I'm still thinking through what job description would support showing up with joy, but I know it will include showing up with passion and creativity and purpose. In an environment of camaraderie, trust, empowerment, and positivity.

I now feel like I can truly choose how to show up. Completely. With no baggage. That feels exciting. Still, in these early days, I catch myself in that negative headspace I was in at my old organization, feeling tense, thinking about the drama and chaos, and the baggage I carried (carry still?). And then I remember: I am not there anymore. Tomorrow morning will not find me at that desk. And it feels a bit like a drinking dream, where you wake up panicked that you drank only to realize it was just a dream, that you are safe in bed, sober. And the sense of relief that comes with that.

I have one job: save myself. It is the most important job I will ever have. The only one that really matters.

Book Review: Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking

The toxic triangle of food, alcohol, and depression--and how women can break free. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema.

In my recovery journey, I have leaned on women-specific resources wherever I have been able to find them. So when I stumbled across the title of this book (I forget where), I was very excited to dig in.  The book explores the toxic triangle many women may find themselves in, often in an attempt to people-please and live up to cultural expectations of what women "should be." It's an easy read, though at times the scenarios presented seemed both somewhat dramatic and generic. I found myself skimming and skipping ahead in much of the first half of the book. Still, there were pieces that deeply resonated with me. 

1. Perhaps I spend more time in this toxic triangle than I realized. 

I knew I had issues with drinking, in particular binge drinking (as in, I'm not and never was an every day drinker, but generally consumed large quantities of booze when I did drink). But I never really gave much thought to how my tendencies towards overthinking and periodic binge eating may all be related. In particular, my tendency to overthink (to ruminate, to obsess. Anxiety and depression are also part of this.) can leave me so tightly wound that a breakdown (i.e. drinking) is inevitable regardless of my willpower or my conscious desires. As Nolen-Hoeksema describes: "The symptoms can feel good--it's such a relief to let go and binge, or give up and curl into a little ball." I've done both of those things. Many times. And now I have a better understanding as to why. 

2. Taking it upon myself, perhaps when I shouldn't. 

This book introduced me to the concept of self-focused coping, or, women's tendency to focus on controlling/changing themselves when faced with a difficult situation, rather than focusing externally on conditions or others that need to be doing the changing. Not surprisingly, it's the opposite for men (generally speaking, of course). This resonated very deeply with me. When something bad happens to women, we can analyze the hell out of the problem. And we may feel the issue acutely, in our bodies. As a result, we engage in damaging behaviors to change how our bodies feel. Pre-recovery, that behavior was drinking. Now, in place of alcohol, I have found myself eating an entire package of Maple creme cookies, for example, or falling into a deep sleep for hours on my couch. Self-focused coping isn't inherently bad (for example, deep breathing to manage stress), but the doc cautions that "when it involves hurting your body or gets in the way of doing something productive to overcome your problems, it becomes dangerous." With this knowledge, I've been assessing my responses to a highly stressful work environment, and trying to think through how to make sure that that toxic environment does not lead me into the toxic triangle. 

3. Conditional self-esteem... 

Ah, self esteem. That ever-elusive self-regard. Another concept introduced to me in this book. Another one that resonated deeply. In other words, when women's perception of self-worth is based upon external conditions, or tied to meeting external standards, setting us up for unreasonable expectations. And if/when we fail to meet these standards, watch out. Into the triangle go I. I have set up a lot of measures of success for myself, mostly all related to career success: how many projects am I leading? How many publications do I have? What's my title? How many people in the community know me? How large is my network? It's a constant source of anxiety. And very unbalanced. And at the end of the day, are these the things that matter most to me? I don't know for sure, but I suspect not. Or, as I mature, not as much as other things are starting to. 

Getting to the second half, the "now what?" chapters, definitely re-captured my interest. The last two chapters are about identifying the triggers that lead you into the toxic triangle, and tips for actively choosing new ways of thinking and behaving. She didn't offer any silver bullets, and some suggestions are pretty standard (for example, mindfulness and urge surfing are techniques explored in a lot of recovery literature and programs, and which I was already familiar with), but what is new is these techniques are framed by a woman, for women, in the context of breaking out of the toxic triangle. So I "heard" these strategies in a new way. 

For example, one visioning technique recommended is the Real You, Positive You exercise. This exercise asks you to visualize the Positive You (a day in the life of the new, sober you, winning at life, in detail). Again, nothing new in the exercise. But the suggestion is followed by this note: "Focusing on the differences between the ideal you or Positive You and the Real You can trigger...escapist behaviors like bingeing, so you may be wondering, why should I do this exercise? Because, before you can begin to make changes in your life, you have to be aware of the goals and expectations you hold for yourself, so that you can decide whether you really wish to hold them, or whether they are the legacy of society's expectations." Damn. Yes, sister.

This has given me a lot to think about over these last several days. And I will be devoting time to pondering the answers to these questions: what goals have I laid out for myself? Did I pick these up from society's messages and expectations, or are they truly self-directed? Do they reflect my values and ways I want to define myself?

Before, I had somewhat general goals... go to grad school, embark on a meaningful career, eventually start a family. I've accomplished these first two, even in spite of alcohol. Which absolutely counts as a win in my opinion. But now in my mid-30s, it's time to take stock with a fresh perspective, and a decade of professional experience under my belt, and get specific about what I want now. Sobriety makes this possible, and is generous in its offerings. It gives me time back, the energy (mental and physical) to be relentless in my pursuit, and the creativity to re-imagine what thriving looks like, for me, by me.