Book Review: Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking

The toxic triangle of food, alcohol, and depression--and how women can break free. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema.

In my recovery journey, I have leaned on women-specific resources wherever I have been able to find them. So when I stumbled across the title of this book (I forget where), I was very excited to dig in.  The book explores the toxic triangle many women may find themselves in, often in an attempt to people-please and live up to cultural expectations of what women "should be." It's an easy read, though at times the scenarios presented seemed both somewhat dramatic and generic. I found myself skimming and skipping ahead in much of the first half of the book. Still, there were pieces that deeply resonated with me. 

1. Perhaps I spend more time in this toxic triangle than I realized. 

I knew I had issues with drinking, in particular binge drinking (as in, I'm not and never was an every day drinker, but generally consumed large quantities of booze when I did drink). But I never really gave much thought to how my tendencies towards overthinking and periodic binge eating may all be related. In particular, my tendency to overthink (to ruminate, to obsess. Anxiety and depression are also part of this.) can leave me so tightly wound that a breakdown (i.e. drinking) is inevitable regardless of my willpower or my conscious desires. As Nolen-Hoeksema describes: "The symptoms can feel good--it's such a relief to let go and binge, or give up and curl into a little ball." I've done both of those things. Many times. And now I have a better understanding as to why. 

2. Taking it upon myself, perhaps when I shouldn't. 

This book introduced me to the concept of self-focused coping, or, women's tendency to focus on controlling/changing themselves when faced with a difficult situation, rather than focusing externally on conditions or others that need to be doing the changing. Not surprisingly, it's the opposite for men (generally speaking, of course). This resonated very deeply with me. When something bad happens to women, we can analyze the hell out of the problem. And we may feel the issue acutely, in our bodies. As a result, we engage in damaging behaviors to change how our bodies feel. Pre-recovery, that behavior was drinking. Now, in place of alcohol, I have found myself eating an entire package of Maple creme cookies, for example, or falling into a deep sleep for hours on my couch. Self-focused coping isn't inherently bad (for example, deep breathing to manage stress), but the doc cautions that "when it involves hurting your body or gets in the way of doing something productive to overcome your problems, it becomes dangerous." With this knowledge, I've been assessing my responses to a highly stressful work environment, and trying to think through how to make sure that that toxic environment does not lead me into the toxic triangle. 

3. Conditional self-esteem... 

Ah, self esteem. That ever-elusive self-regard. Another concept introduced to me in this book. Another one that resonated deeply. In other words, when women's perception of self-worth is based upon external conditions, or tied to meeting external standards, setting us up for unreasonable expectations. And if/when we fail to meet these standards, watch out. Into the triangle go I. I have set up a lot of measures of success for myself, mostly all related to career success: how many projects am I leading? How many publications do I have? What's my title? How many people in the community know me? How large is my network? It's a constant source of anxiety. And very unbalanced. And at the end of the day, are these the things that matter most to me? I don't know for sure, but I suspect not. Or, as I mature, not as much as other things are starting to. 

Getting to the second half, the "now what?" chapters, definitely re-captured my interest. The last two chapters are about identifying the triggers that lead you into the toxic triangle, and tips for actively choosing new ways of thinking and behaving. She didn't offer any silver bullets, and some suggestions are pretty standard (for example, mindfulness and urge surfing are techniques explored in a lot of recovery literature and programs, and which I was already familiar with), but what is new is these techniques are framed by a woman, for women, in the context of breaking out of the toxic triangle. So I "heard" these strategies in a new way. 

For example, one visioning technique recommended is the Real You, Positive You exercise. This exercise asks you to visualize the Positive You (a day in the life of the new, sober you, winning at life, in detail). Again, nothing new in the exercise. But the suggestion is followed by this note: "Focusing on the differences between the ideal you or Positive You and the Real You can trigger...escapist behaviors like bingeing, so you may be wondering, why should I do this exercise? Because, before you can begin to make changes in your life, you have to be aware of the goals and expectations you hold for yourself, so that you can decide whether you really wish to hold them, or whether they are the legacy of society's expectations." Damn. Yes, sister.

This has given me a lot to think about over these last several days. And I will be devoting time to pondering the answers to these questions: what goals have I laid out for myself? Did I pick these up from society's messages and expectations, or are they truly self-directed? Do they reflect my values and ways I want to define myself?

Before, I had somewhat general goals... go to grad school, embark on a meaningful career, eventually start a family. I've accomplished these first two, even in spite of alcohol. Which absolutely counts as a win in my opinion. But now in my mid-30s, it's time to take stock with a fresh perspective, and a decade of professional experience under my belt, and get specific about what I want now. Sobriety makes this possible, and is generous in its offerings. It gives me time back, the energy (mental and physical) to be relentless in my pursuit, and the creativity to re-imagine what thriving looks like, for me, by me.