Losing, to Find...

Almost two weeks ago, I lost my job. It's still unreal. It's hugely terrifying, and hugely relieving. Terrifying because I am a single-income household with no real financial assets to draw upon. A theme that figures prominently in the advocacy work that I do, ironically enough. (It took me almost a year to save $700 that I had earmarked for a mutual fund. Now I don't know if I will meet that goal).

It's also hugely relieving because I can Let. It. Go. The indecision of when it would be the "right" time or opportunity to move on is taken out of my hands, and yes, there's relief in that. It clarifies things: I am moving forward. Decision made.

Environment + Response= Outcome (E+R=O)

That simple, logical equation. If you want a different outcome, you need to change your response to an environment or event. For the last couple of years, I have tried to change my (at times, problematic) Response to a toxic work Environment. But regardless of what I tried, the Outcome never really seemed to improve. I became increasingly disconnected as a result. And also increasingly convinced that the thing that really needed to change in that equation was the Environment, period. As in, get the f* out of Dodge. But I felt immobilized.

But now! Now I am freed from that environment. And although this freedom is not without pain or fear (there are plenty of moments in a day where I can feel panic rising), I also feel like there are new opportunities for me to engage in new Environments that make activating a healthy Response easier.

In the week following the news, however, I lost sight of that half way through. The end of that week included 2 days of straight up sleep, all day. Uncompassionate thoughts about myself and my value. A missed spinning class. No blogging. An irreparable breach with my now-ex boyfriend. I didn't necessarily show up for myself in the ways I'd have liked. By the end of the week, I felt pretty damn low.

But that wasn't my entire response, and it's important to remember the ways that I did show up for myself. I made it to my Y12SR meeting, and an additional yoga class. I reached out to my sobriety network for extra support. I snagged a part time job that I am excited about. I submitted applications to new job opportunities, including some I may not have applied for under other circumstances, but for which I am qualified and that do support my professional passions. I spent time with my family. And I received incredible support and kindness from my professional network.

During this time, I found my way to Laura McKowen's 6 mantras for early sobriety, and have been reflecting on the first one: I have one job. Ironic right? (Check out a similar post I wrote on "sobriety first.") I have one job: save myself. In all the ways that matter: physically, mentally, emotionally. For me, because so much of my identity is tied to my professional identity, this also means finding a job I can show up to with joy. Not the resignation and resentments I showed up with for 2 years at this last job. I have done enough of that. I'm still thinking through what job description would support showing up with joy, but I know it will include showing up with passion and creativity and purpose. In an environment of camaraderie, trust, empowerment, and positivity.

I now feel like I can truly choose how to show up. Completely. With no baggage. That feels exciting. Still, in these early days, I catch myself in that negative headspace I was in at my old organization, feeling tense, thinking about the drama and chaos, and the baggage I carried (carry still?). And then I remember: I am not there anymore. Tomorrow morning will not find me at that desk. And it feels a bit like a drinking dream, where you wake up panicked that you drank only to realize it was just a dream, that you are safe in bed, sober. And the sense of relief that comes with that.

I have one job: save myself. It is the most important job I will ever have. The only one that really matters.