But first, sobriety

Tracking what counts

I've been re-reading books that helped me with my first extended experience of sobriety, and diaries from that time. One of these is Jack Canfield's and Dave Andrew's book, The 30-Day Sobriety Solution. It's a 30-day action plan for achieving sobriety or at least, changing your relationship with alcohol. Each day there are action steps to complete (and honestly, these are good life action steps, not just relevant to recovery from a substance!). I'm re-doing these (though not every day as recommended, admittedly). Previously, I had read to Day 17.

One of my go-to books

It's reminding me that in this moment in time, I have to keep sobriety my priority. And this can be hard to do. Because as I gain more days sober, and my energy levels pick up and I experience natural highs (without the devastating lows of problematic drinking!), I feel so MOTIVATED. (For me, this can also translate to impatience....something else I will be working on managing!) I am not only feeling motivated and energized, but I actually also believe that I can achieve these other goals! Such as a new job, weight loss, starting a blog... And it has been awhile since my confidence levels were so good, for such a sustained period of time.

Let's take weight loss. I joined Weight Watchers in May ahead of an all-expense paid vacation to Miami Beach with my sister in early June (thank you Johnson & Johnson!). When the vacation time came around, I had abstained from alcohol for almost 3 weeks, and so I was feeling physically OK, though not as good as I had hoped. And boy was I unrelenting (in my head, of course)-- beating myself up about not losing the 5-7 pounds I had wanted to (such a small goal!) and remembering how I had looked, in my previous recovery. In 2017, when I had a lot of sobriety under my belt, I had lost about 30 pounds. I looked great. It was so amazing to just step into my closet and put on whatever I wanted because the clothes all fit! It was like I had gone on some shopping spree because I had been able to wear clothes I hadn't been able to for over a year. But as I gradually re-introduced alcohol into my life, which unsurprisingly coincided with more depression/anxiety (i.e. less motivation), I gained it back. And that felt so terrible. Not just physically painful, but emotionally. It was really hard to look at pictures of me in those days... because they brought a lot of embarrassment and shame.

[Side note: I've also started reading Eating, Drinking, and Overthinking, what author Susan Nolen-Hoeksema refers to as a toxic triangle women can find themselves in. I can totally relate. I'll review when finished.]

Happiness on a plate. Pancakes @ Pam's Diner
Pittsburgh PA October 2018

Well, it doesn't make much sense to pay for a weight loss program and to keep drinking. Even in very moderate amounts. How many happy hours extend into dinner and unhealthy food choices? (Or, no food, just more alcohol!) So now I've given up the booze, and I'm still counting my points. But I'm not allowing myself to obsess with the points as I had been even a few weeks ago because I no longer have to balance out the effects of alcohol and missed exercising or poor food choices.

Now, I generally stay within my points every day. But I allow myself a treat and don't sweat it (hell, I might not even log it! Scandalous, I know. I also haven't weighed myself since I re-started. I'm just going by how I feel. This is also part of keeping sobriety first.). Because it's still a better choice than alcohol. And I also know that, just as before, the longer I go without alcohol, the healthier my body becomes. And that will translate into weight loss. Not just because I'm no longer ingesting copious amounts of calories and sugar, but because I have the energy to exercise. I have the confidence to try new classes. Even better, if I just need a day to veg, I don't feel guilty! I can "afford" an "off" day. (And really, my goal is to move away from that type of thinking entirely, but one thing at a time!)

And all of this just makes sobriety feel good. I. Feel. Good. Even when I feel bad! Or lazy. Or whatever! So, sobriety first, yes. But it's also amazing all the things that will naturally flow from that one healthy choice that you won't even really have to think about, let alone stress about.