Recovering from Recovery? Yes, it's a thing...

I'm approaching 2 months of a renewed focus on sobriety and recovery. It feels both like that time has passed quickly, and like that's a big number: 60 days. On the whole, it has been a great rediscovery of the joys of sobriety. And, along the way, as I've mentioned before, I've experienced second comings of old "Aha!" moments, those lessons and insights from my recovery journey 1.0.

For example, recently, there were two weekends in a row I felt so off. Actually, I felt hungover, but without the alcohol. Which was a surreal experience in itself. I did the same things I described in a previous post of hunkering down on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and food, taking hours-long naps. Alone. I had no energy, and no idea why I felt the way I did, especially when the weekdays preceding these weekends were great! One week even included a working vacation to Pittsburgh with my boyfriend! So why so lackluster?

It wasn't until a conversation with my boyfriend that I understood the why. He was beginning to feel hurt that I was shutting myself up in my apartment, alone. I am an introvert, and naturally need some alone time to decompress and restore myself, but we both could sense that this was not what was going on. And as we were talking, I started sharing how it takes time to adapt to changes in routine, even when they are positive changes leading to healthier routines. It's still a change in how I am moving through my day and my world. Small wonder then that there were days I just felt exhausted.

These changes are happening on every level-- physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. It is a lot to process! At times, it even feels like sensory overload. Because I am much more present and attuned to what is going on around me and within me. I am engaged, fully, even in moments or situations I don't necessarily wish I was engaged with! And for those of us who have used substances to alter the reality we engage with--either to escape or to enhance it--this new awareness can at times overwhelm.

For example, I have been more physically active, literally covering more ground, these last couple months than I had in the several months preceding, likely even year! I have added 30 minutes of walking breaks into every work day (or as close to that as I can manage). These breaks are in addition to focused exercise I do 4-5 days a week of at least 40 minutes (which includes two new 60- minute exercise classes I enrolled in). I have traveled to Dayton several times these last two months, visiting my sweet nieces, spent almost a week in Pittsburgh at a conference for work, made a day trip to Cleveland... and more.

Hello Pittsburgh! Hello Cleveland!

So yes. I shut down two weekends. And while it did not feel good in those moments, and it was very confusing at the time, I understand why now. Adjusting to this new routine can and will exhaust me. I also know that this period of adjustment will give way to normalcy. Now that I am newly aware of this fact, I can make choices for recovering in my recovery that will really soothe me, instead of "numbing out" through bingeing on food and tv. I can be patient and kind with myself.