Desperate times....

It has been too long since a blog post... In this rather drastic life transition I am currently going through, these last two weeks in particular I have been consumed by guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

They hit me over the Thanksgiving holiday, and hit me hard. For me, the holidays typically don't trigger a desire to drink, even though alcohol is definitely present at my family gatherings. But this Thanksgiving was different, because my situation was different. I have an amazing family, and they are very supportive, my biggest champions. But as I explained my job situation, over and over, the "pink cloud" feeling of being free of my toxic previous employment situation started to dissipate. As I looked around at my successful family members, my cousins close to my age who had families of their own, and appeared to be winning at life, embarrassment began to take hold. And then shame. There I was, 35, with no job, no man, no closer to a family of my own...

How did I get here? How did this become my life?

But I do know the answers to those questions. While some of it was/is out of my control, the pieces that were in my control too often root back to alcohol and the consequences of using alcohol as a coping mechanism. And therein lie the guilt and shame.

Suffice it say, I knew I needed more help. I needed to reach out and connect with a sobriety support system much more intentionally than I was. I had my Y12SR group that I've been attending more regularly, and doing my readings and exercises and podcasts. But desperate times....

So I have started attending online AA meetings again. As I've said, I'm not necessarily a fan of AA, but I will use whatever resources are available. Because I want to move out of this life transition period, and I know that the only way to do so successfully is to really work recovery. Every day. Every hour. Every moment.

It's not been a perfect process, especially that week following Thanksgiving when reality just really f*ing sucked.

But it doesn't have to be. All that matters at the end of each day is that I've been working my recovery program. I have been showing up for myself, and this past week in particular, showing up with gratitude and compassion. For today, that's enough.